I spent the majority of yesterday and some of this afternoon starting the process of writing out thank you cards. I have only done about 70 or so, but I am making a dent in them.

Karlena and I took a break to run to Walmart quick this afternoon for a few groceries. We were over by the Valentines items and she saw this huge lion for $24. Normally I wouldn’t give in and just buy something like that, but she thought it might help with her nightmares and inability to sleep. How do you say no to that? You don’t, in fact you buy a 2nd one for Elijah too just because….

While we were standing there a young woman walked by. She was one of the students from Taiwan we had over for our Thanksgiving meal. She didn’t recognize us, but even Karlena recognized her. I remember after those students had come we really wanted to have them over around Christmas….

I just couldn’t help but think that when she was at my home, so was Isaac.

I recognize that life goes on. Gabe signed up for and started jazz band and knowledge bowl. Our calendar is busy with client meetings that were made before the end of the year. There are still spelling tests to study for and yellow packets to do and a wax museum part to prep for…

I suppose it is good that we are “forced” to get up and keep going. It would be really easy to get stuck in the darkness if I didn’t have a family to push forward for, but I will be honest, so much of it feels so trivial right at this moment.

I have struggled with what to read in the Bible right now. My friend Rachel gave me a small daily devotional specifically for someone dealing with grief. In it is a short message with 3 Bible verses at the end.

I decided that maybe the best thing for me right now is to look up and write out those verses. It is a small way I can stay in the Word.

We are studying Proverbs in church and today our pastor walked through a portion of Proverbs 3.

Proverbs 3:3 says this:

Let love and faithfulness never leave you;

bind them around your neck,

write them on the tablet of your heart.

The Word of God is filled with His love and faithfulness for us. Writing out His Word, even a few short verses each morning, is writing them on the tablet of my heart.

I feel like in many ways I am struggling to move forward well, or fast enough, or I don’t know….I am just not sure that I am doing this thing correctly. And it is easy for me to forget who and what should be my first priority, and that is God.

When I go to Him first I am less anxious, less resentful, less angry and more at peace. I will always have questions and will never understand the “whys” but if I give Him my everything I believe He will make my path straight.

I woke up thinking about things I shouldn’t be thinking of at 5am. I tried to pray and calm my mind but it wasn’t working….so I just got up.

It is in times like this that I find myself saying “Isaac, Isaac, Isaac”….and then out of sheer desperation, because I don’t know what else to pray “Jesus, Jesus, Jesus”.

I know that I won’t ever have the answers I am looking for this side of eternity. It would be really easy to become bitter and angry at Isaac, God, the world. But I just can’t let myself go there….I won’t let the darkness win.

It is a constant, daily re-turning back over my life to God in a way I never have before. It is like He is asking “Do you trust me with this?” and I have a choice on how I will respond.

The Bible says blessed is the one who trusts in the Lord. I know I have SO many things to be grateful for….but this particular thing, this loss, it just hurts so much.

But I feel like I must trust Him, because I know it is the only way through this. So every day my prayer remains the same, “Beauty from ashes Lord, beauty from ashes…”

Journal entry from this morning…

Thinking about things I am grateful for is the only way that I can sleep at night. It takes me a long time to find rest and counting those things, praying to God and thanking Him helps to occupy my mind from other thoughts.

In the midst of this terrible tragedy there are so many things to be grateful for. SO many prayers being lifted up on our behalf. The words of encouragement left on Facebook. All of the cards and handwritten notes, I have read every one and will read them over and over again. The thoughtful gifts and memory items that honor my son. Gifts are my love language but this is one time that I would give anything to just have my son back and never warrant another gift again. Still I am ever grateful for such love that has been poured out on us.

The meals and groceries that people have brought. Helping to nourish our family when I am not in the mindset to even think about cooking. So many offers to help in countless ways. I am amazed at how the Body of Christ operates in times such as these.

It has been 20 days. It feels like a lifetime. My grandma is in her 90’s. It is likely based on my family genetics that I could live a long time. If I live as long as my grandma, 45 years or more, that would be at least 16,425 days.

I won’t pretend to know the number of days I have left, only God knows that. But realizing the energy it has taken to walk these last 20 days…

Oh Lord, if I am to do well in each of my remaining days ahead then I am going to need your help. Help me to see the beauty in the small things. Help me to recognize all the ways You are working. Help me to walk in honor of You. I can’t fathom what living 16,000+ days without my son looks like so for this moment give me peace, until the next moment, until the next. Sustain me Lord.

My journal entry from January 9, 2018 is hard to read today. In so many ways I wish I was re-writing that prayer instead of the one I did write.

But before I share my entry I want to say this, because I am sure that there are people reading that might be asking “Where is God in all of this? Or Why did He allow this to happen?”

I think those are pretty normal questions to ask in a tragedy. I know in 2008 when we had a miscarriage my immediate response was one of anger at God. I knew He could have stopped it but didn’t and I was mad. I lived in utter darkness for months, holding onto that bitterness, unwilling to see goodness. It was a scary, awful place.

But again I go back to the story of Job. In his wisdom he understood “Shall we accept good from God, and shall we not accept trouble?” Job 2:10

In 2018 I battled on my knees for Isaac. My faith in God grew in enormous ways. Isaac was never more distant and yet God was never closer. In 2019 we saw God restore that relationship that we had with Isaac. God redeemed so many things and brought us back our son.

In 2018 God taught me how to trust Him, how to open my hands and give back to Him the son that was His first to begin with. In 2019 God healed broken places and brought joy back into our relationship…in spite of Isaac’s continued internal battles, God prevailed. In 2020 God’s name will be praised, for all He has done and will continue to do through this story.

If you are walking through your own trial – purpose yourself to see God. He is there, I promise you. Ask Him to reveal Himself to you and use your struggle for something good.

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January 9, 2018

“Lord, first of all I am grateful that Isaac is safe today and alive. I need to remember that in the days to come. We aren’t planning a funeral so maybe we are letting go of an apartment or losing money on college but we still have our son so I am grateful for that. Help me as a parent to navigate through this well. Be with Dominic as well. We want to parent well and love and support him, yet hold him accountable for his choices. Help us do that Lord – lead us Lord and let this situation not divide us as a couple. Lord cast your vision on Isaac. I know you placed him in that specific apartment for a reason. I also know he is going to feel like running away. Give him Your courage and Your strength to make the hard choices to stay if it is Your will. Today may be that turning point day, so lead him Lord. I pray he gets the help he needs. I pray that you would be more present and more felt than ever before and in the coming days he would know that he is not alone. Guide him Lord – guide us.”

My heart sank when I saw the reality before me.

Something had happened. We didn’t know what at that point, but I was certain of it.

Dominic does estate planning: Trusts, Wills and all the “ancillary” documents are a part of his daily work for clients. When Isaac turned 18 we prepared a Health Care Directive, HIPAA and Power of Attorney document for him. Having these documents in place were an absolute necessity in the days to come.

This is a complete side note and feels more business minded than anything, but I wouldn’t have known if this wasn’t what we do and wasn’t a part of our experience. Once your child turns 18 they are considered an “adult.” They may still be on your health insurance, you may still pay all their bills, but if they have not given you legal authority to access that information, you will be kept in the dark.

If they are in the hospital and have not given consent to release information to you, the hospital can not speak to you. It seems cruel because YOU ARE THE PARENT for crying out loud, but it doesn’t matter, it is the law.

Thankfully Isaac had signed documents that we had scans of on file. When we started to make calls to the local hospitals we would tell them that we had a signed HIPAA and Health Care Directive and could email them over, could they just confirm if our son was a patient.

In the meantime, my dad and mom had decided to drive down to his apartment. They lived a full 2 hours closer to Isaac than we were. My dad had helped him move in, so he knew where his place was. I hadn’t ever even been there! I was 11 days post op and still very weak myself. We didn’t know who his roommates were or if they even knew anything.

Andrew answered the door when they arrived. Andrew was a non-trad from California. He was so kind. Honestly, I don’t even know his last name. I texted him a couple of times in 2017 but have lost his number. I wish I could get in touch with him…

Andrew was the only roommate that Isaac connected with while he lived there. Andrew was a Christian and really tried to encourage Isaac in the 5 months he lived there. From what Andrew shared the EMT’s arrived at the apartment after Isaac called 911 on his own. He had cut himself and gotten scared, he called for help and they took him to the hospital.

One of the things I will never forget about Andrew…he told my dad – “You tell Isaac that everything is cool. He can come back here. I understand depression and anxiety and there is no judgement here.”

Isn’t that incredible?

Here is some stranger basically (Isaac had just moved in days before), who from the start made sure that Isaac knew that he didn’t need to be ashamed. There is SO MUCH shame in mental illness of any kind in our society. Andrew recognized how Isaac might be feeling and quickly sought to dispel those things.

We can learn something from people like Andrew, can’t we?

In the weeks and months to come Andrew and his fiancé would be some of the only people Isaac talked about. I know he had a hard time letting people in and yes, he did continue to struggle. But Andrew provided a safe place for Isaac to land from the very beginning and I am forever grateful for that.

It is my hope that by sharing here, and in honor of my son and Andrew, I can be that “safe place to land” for someone else.