What I Didn’t Know Then…

Posted on July 25, 2025 by Kristin

I shared a song on my Facebook page that I was listening to. “What I Didn’t Know Then” by Jenna and Zoe. Listen to it now on Spotify if you haven’t had a chance to yet.

I can’t get the song, the lyrics out of my head….

“Lord if I had known how hard this road would get…”

I will be honest, after a couple of really hard years in 2017 and 2018 I felt like I was on pretty solid footing in 2019. Things were balancing out. I was walking in faith with my hands open, trusting God with my life and my family. I spoke at a women’s conference and felt like God was opening doors for me to chase my passion of serving Him in that way. And then our world exploded when we lost Isaac.

“I might have walked away and given up instead…”

There is perspective that comes with time. I was, in many ways, so naive. I think there was a part of me that held on to this belief that as long as I was doing all the “right” things, I would be spared from “bad” things. You know the idea that God rewards our good behavior…yeah I liked that idea. So when the unimaginable happens, what do you do?

“I couldn’t fathom all the ways You’d carry me through all those days.”

When Isaac died, I was convinced that the ability to experience joy was striped from me. A smile or a laugh felt like a betrayal to the son now missing. To celebrate anything good in life felt wrong and out of place. And yet I knew that wasn’t a life I wanted to live but I was unable to produce joy on my own. My desperate prayer in the beginning was that I would see Jesus in the darkness….

“What I didn’t know then is You were working, miracles yet to be seen. Turning the tide when I was desperate, praying hard down on my knees….”

I am sure it happened slowly, there were a lot of things that I don’t remember early on…but God carried us. There were moments of laughter in the midst of the sorrow. We experienced the love and grace of others that carried us as well. My desperate prayers were answered over and over again.

“You made a way when there was none and I trust You will again.”

It is good for me to remember. The absolute darkness and the path towards the light. Sometimes even now when life feels overwhelming, when I feel slighted or hurt by another’s actions….I have to remember the faithfulness of God.

“What I know now is You’re a God who’ll never leave my side…”

There is a comfort in knowing that God is with you in every moment. Those moments of deep sorrow and of the greatest joys and everything in between. And not because I am perfect or doing all the “right” things. But because He loves me (us) that much. What a gift.

“It took me losing everything, but I gained You in the end. I know what I didn’t know then.”

There is a line in the song that is hard for me to sing. “I wouldn’t change a thing, I’d even walk this road again…” Every day I miss my son. This morning I felt like crying over the continued unfairness of it all. And I also know that this sorrow has brought me to the feet of God in a way nothing has before…my understanding of God, my faith in His promises, would they be like this without the suffering? If there was another way to get to the same endpoint, I would gladly have Isaac back. But since that isn’t possible for now, I find gratitude in all God has done to change and sustain me.

I didn’t know this would be my story. I wouldn’t wish the sorrow on anyone. But I am grateful. And I pray you have a faith that draws you closer to a God that loves you more than you can imagine too.

1,096 Days

Posted on December 21, 2022 by Kristin

Today is the winter solstice and it will always be the winter solstice on the day we remember Isaac’s loss. The darkest night. It is fitting really that the day on the calendar that we mark as the longest, darkest night was in reality that very thing for our family.

But I heard it said last year that we need to hold on because every day after today it gets a little lighter. We move a little closer to the sun, closer to spring and summer. There is hope in that.

This morning I woke up and the first thing I thought about was that Elijah and Karlena had jazz band practice. I wasn’t overcome by a wave of grief. I am grateful for that. Admittedly I have had a few moments later this morning, it is to be expected. But as we continue to walk this road, our grief has changed. I see God’s grace in that.

Of course, I still wish our lives told a different story. I still wish he was here. It wasn’t meant to be this way. But God has been faithful the last 1,096 days. I remember wondering how I was going to be able to breathe, if I would ever smile or laugh again. Living 1,000+ days without my son felt impossible and yet here we are.

We have so much to be grateful for. Our community of family and friends that have walked with us and made joy possible again. The parents in my child loss groups that have given me a safe space and understanding to process some of the hardest parts of this story. Our church family that has continued to honor and remember with us. My best friends that have been a daily sounding board and constant prayer warriors for me. The men my husband works with each week, you are all a gift too. We could not have survived this without all of you.

God didn’t just say He would be with us… Although He was, He also gave us all of you. So today is hard because I remember the worst news we ever got. But it is also filled with hope because I can see the light that has grown from it. Thank you for being a part of that.

Another Birthday Without You

Posted on November 18, 2022 by Kristin

I had done pretty good until this morning. And then November 18th slaps me in the face. I have so so much to remember and be grateful for. Isaac was an incredible son. Celebrating his 26th birthday without him is wrong. It will always be wrong. But I was asked by a dear friend this morning to share a birthday memory I had of him and after sharing with her I thought I would share it here as well.

When Isaac was about 7 or 8 I let him have his first big party at our house. We had a tiny little starter home but I told him that he needed to invite all the boys in his grade (it was about 15). He asked if he HAD to…there were a few boys that at the time weren’t super nice to him. I told him yes, it was important to include everyone and said it was possible those boys might not attend anyways.

One of the boys that did come was someone Isaac wasn’t necessarily good friends with at the time. He was maybe a little “nerdy”….I can say that because I was totally nerdy myself growing up. Anyways at the end of the party his mom came to pick him up and she told me that her son was SO excited to be invited to Isaac’s party. He had never been invited to a party before. Apparently, he was so excited that he put on his best church clothes and slept in them the night before the party so there was no chance he would oversleep and miss it. To this day, almost 20 years later I can remember where I was standing when she told me that. It makes me cry thinking about it.

I later told Isaac what she had said, and we used it as a reminder that kindness is so important. Isaac was that guy his whole life. After he died we learned that he was the one that would write notes to his co-workers just to cheer them up. Draw little pictures to make them laugh (he was no artist)…he knew the value of being kind. I am so proud of the man he was. He wasn’t perfect, he made lots of mistakes (we all do) but he was kind, and he had a gentle spirit.

Today I grieve that I can’t text him a cheesy gif and birthday greeting. 3 years gone and the missing isn’t any less. If you think about it, do something kind for someone today in honor of Isaac. A goofy note, a cup of coffee for a friend…he would have liked that.

Happy Birthday son. Until my last breath I will wish it were different for our family. You are deeply, deeply missed.

Jesus Knew

Posted on April 14, 2022 by Kristin

Yesterday was a bad day. I have had a string of them lately. A lot of stress at work, which I never want to complain about because I know how fortunate we are to be managing a successful business together…but it is hard, and this particular season has been a lot. I haven’t been very patient or kind with my husband, more critical than encouraging. I don’t like this part of my nature, but it is where I have been.

Graduation is approaching, most of which I am ready for and truly excited about, but the reality that Gabe won’t be in our home full time in the coming months is a hard one. It is good, he is more than ready, we are incredibly proud of him, and I will also miss his presence immensely.

And I have 2 almost teenagers, one who pretty consistently bemoans school and who is more like me than I would like to admit, and we clash and frustrate one another. We also are getting a lot of practice at forgiveness and grace but some days I don’t know if I will survive because we technically haven’t officially even started puberty yet. Oh and both said pre-teens will likely be getting braces in the next 2 months so there is that.

Yesterday I voxed 2 of my best friends and started the message with…”I just need to scream this out because I am on the verge of a freaking mental breakdown and if I don’t I might start breaking things.” And then I vented and screamed and cried a little and cursed and then I calmed down. At the end I made some comment about realizing that it was Holy Week and I hadn’t spent much time thinking about Jesus or His sacrifice. My heart hasn’t been preparing for Easter.

My friends were kind and gracious with me, reminding me that even this season might be triggering in ways I am not fully aware of because Isaac is gone. His loss never far from my mind.

We are all walking around carrying burdens and hardships, hurts and stresses. Gindi said last week we carry and carry, stuff and struggle and do our best to manage it all and then someone asks you to “pass the ketchup” and we explode. What is something simple that has been the tipping point for you lately? I voxed yesterday that I just couldn’t do it anymore. It all felt like too much.

And even in those moments of too much, of my self-absorption of my first world problems it is important that I step back and remember the incredible sacrifice Jesus made on my behalf. I was struck by this picture, the words the author wrote below…Jesus knew Judas would betray him, and yet he ate with him, washed his feet. He didn’t deserve it, but that is how God loves.

I am no different. I am selfish and self-centered, I demand things go MY way and I don’t stop to ask God for guidance first. I want the benefits of God but am I willing to look at the condition of my own heart in response? And even in these moments of sinfulness, He invites us to the table. What a gift.

My circumstances haven’t changed this morning…but maybe my perspective has a little.

*************************************************************

(These words below were shared along with the graphic above by a friend on FB – original author unknown)

Think about this for a second. Jesus knew.

He goes into that room with His disciples. He knows He is going to be betrayed. He knows it is Judas who will turn against him. He knows that He has been sold out for a handful of silver. Stabbed in the back by one He has poured His life into.

Yet, in that room, hours before the death of Jesus, Judas ate too. Jesus fed Judas too. Jesus prayed for Judas too. Jesus washed Judas’ feet too. I struggle to fathom that kind of love. A love that would feed the mouth that deceived you. A love that would wash the treasonous feet of the traitor. A love that could forgive even the vilest of betrayals.

I honestly struggle to comprehend it. And then, suddenly, I realize that I’m Judas. And in that moment, I’m so thankful & altogether overwhelmed that Judas ate too.

Bravery in Sharing Our Stories

Posted on March 21, 2022 by Kristin

A powerful post was featured on the TODAY show. Please click HERE and watch this moving interview with Harry Miller. My thoughts are below….

This is such an incredible video, so moving and powerful. Please watch it, share it, have your young people watch it….it is so important. I am so grateful for Harry Miller’s transparency and bravery in sharing about his battle with mental health and depression. I am so grateful that he stayed.

It has been 821 days since we got the worst new of our lives. I don’t sit and keep an actual count in my head every day honestly, but he died on the 21^st and so days like today can be more difficult. It isn’t as overwhelming as it once was, but I am always aware of his forever absence in our family. I wish he could have held on for one more day, I wish he could have seen past the darkness. I wish we could have saved him.

The news has been filled with stories lately of young people dying by suicide. Men and women who “seem to have it all together”, who appear “fine” on the outside but are carrying a burden inside that they are certain they can’t share the full weight of with someone else. For these men and women, the darkness becomes overwhelming and an end to their suffering seems like the only option. I am sure it is hard to understand if you haven’t ever struggled with depression. If your mind has never been ravaged by constant thoughts that you are a burden and worthless and everyone would just be better off if you were gone. Maybe you read about these people, my son, and you just think “how selfish.”

I understand. I was that person once too. I didn’t understand, or try to. I naively thought Isaac just needed to focus on the positive or pray more…then he would see all the reasons he should be grateful and that would pull him out of the pit. But it didn’t…and sometimes because of brain chemicals that are out of whack or the effects of medications or a variety of other reasons positive thoughts and prayers are just not enough. The darkness suffocates.

Suicide is NOT the answer. Don’t hear me wrong and misunderstand. I don’t agree with my son’s end of life exit, but I see how hopeless he must have been to get to that place. I don’t want another family to experience what we have. And when people like Harry Miller come forward and cry on national television and plead that we would just hang on….and honestly share his reality and remind us that it is ok to be open and share ours as well…maybe, just maybe instead of a late-night visit from a police officer with horrific news, our young people will start picking up the phone and calling us instead.

Have the hard conversations with your people. Be a safe place for them to go to with their ugliest, darkest feelings (without shame!!) so that they don’t hide them away and believe the lie that they are the only ones who feel this way and it won’t ever get better. They aren’t and it will….but we need to be willing to walk with them so they believe it for themselves. #endsuicide