I came across an old email that I sent Isaac in April of 2018. He was angry with us and I was trying to share my heart. I told him that even though he didn’t want to admit it, he and I were a lot alike. At the time I had been asked to write out and share our story of unemployment and how it had affected me. It was an incredibly dark time and I felt like God wasn’t there for me. Looking back I was able to see the many ways He provided during that time.

I will be honest, I have felt so very sad the last several weeks. I can’t seem to get out from under it and once again it “feels” like God is so very far away. I know that He never leaves us, but I have felt alone. I wonder how often you have felt that way too? Especially in this most difficult “pandemic time.”

I wanted to share these words I wrote a few years ago as a reminder that God redeemed our hard before and I can trust He will do it again. Maybe if you are reading this you need the reminder as well?

REDEEMED.

Those words hang large and prominent over the French doors in our living room. A constant reminder to this word-girl of all the times that God has spoken redemption into my life. If we had all the time in the world and a few cups of hot chocolate we could sit down together like friends do and I would share with you all of the miracles that I have experienced in my now 43 years. I don’t use that word lightly and I couldn’t always see them right away, but there have been miracles.

You see in so many ways I was broken. I was lost and hurting and seeking something, anything different than what was in front of me. And yet I was stubborn too, certain that I knew better than God how to handle the unique details of my life. I spent years treating God like my spiritual vending machine. When I needed something I would pray about it and hope that I would get a “Snickers response” and not a “Bit-O-Honey response” (apologies to all my Bit-O-Honey loving readers!) I wanted God to give me what I wanted, and when I wanted it. And when He didn’t answer in the way that I had hoped, I would grow bitter and angry. Time and time again over the course of many years I played this game with God. When things were sailing along smoothly, I would praise His good works. I would write about His great mercies and seek to encourage others in their time of trials. But when my own trials hit? I was a ship tossed in a raging sea, water quickly filling my vessel and threatening to overtake me. I wondered where He had gone, the darkness came and it came often.

In 2010 our family experienced numerous changes. I was pregnant with our fourth child and my husband Dominic was in the process of starting a new job with a firm in Minnesota. For 8 months we lived apart during the week, cherishing our time together as a family on the weekends. While the living arrangements weren’t ideal, we had entered into the situation knowing that it would be temporary and that with God’s help we could get through anything. It truly was a time of growth for our whole family. We prayed together more than we ever had, we appreciated each other better and found gratitude in the little things. It wasn’t easy but it was the first time that I felt like we had really listened to God’s calling for our family and so I had great confidence in His plan for us.

In June of 2011 we moved into our new home in Southwest Minnesota. A perfect neighborhood, great schools and we quickly found a church that we loved. Everything was falling into place. And then in late 2011 the bottom dropped out. In a matter of a few short months we went from two high paying jobs with wonderful benefits, to both of us being unemployed, uninsured and facing the reality that we might have to walk away from our dream home, our dreams here and move into the basement with one of our parents. These were incredibly dark times.

My husband handled the situation much better than I did. Every day he would tell me that it was going to be ok. He didn’t know how, but he knew that it would be. He trusted that God would take care of us. Even if it meant we had to give up everything we had come to Minnesota for, we would still be together as a family and that was what was important.

I on the other hand fell right back into my old patterns. I sunk fast into a dark depression. I was convinced that we would not be ok and believed with my whole heart that what had only months ago seemed like truth from God, was actually a lie and now we were reaping the results of following that “calling.” I was so ashamed of our circumstances and what we were going through and it felt incredibly hopeless. I couldn’t see how the situation could possibly turn around. I didn’t want to accept help from others, I was so full of pride and admitting that we needed help was so difficult for me. I became fixated on the negative. If someone would say 1 positive thing to me I would quip back with 13 reasons why it was actually negative. I knew that I was falling deeper into that pit but I was certain there was no escape.

I started to imagine how things might get better if something happened to me in an “accident.” I knew that I had a couple of life insurance policies that could help cover our family expenses for quite some time, and I thought that would be the answer to all of our problems. Speaking those words out loud to my husband, and seeing the fear in his eyes when he reached out to my parents for guidance on what to do for me, felt like confirmation that I had completely lost my faith. Where was God anyways?!

But God was bigger than my lack of faith. He knew the path we would be walking, none of it was a surprise to Him and He loved me through my time of fear, anger and questioning. What I saw as hopeless, God saw as possibility. My biggest regret today is that I had a hindsight kind of faith. Today I can see all of the miracles and gifts that came from that dark time. I couldn’t see them in the moment but today I can look back and see all of the ways God took our ashes and made something beautiful out of them.

Shortly after this time, Dominic started his own business. It was a huge step of faith and we literally got down on our knees every day and asked God to guide us. We had the love and support of our incredible family who not only encouraged us but financially supported us for a time when we were unable to fully take care of ourselves. I learned how to say yes and thank you with gratitude and without shame. Going through that experience has helped us develop a greater heart for giving generously ourselves because so many people modeled that for us so graciously.

A year after the business was opened I had the opportunity to come to work with Dominic as his office manager. In those darkest of days I could never have imagined that one day we would be working together, side by side, running a successful business, helping others and providing for our family. I just couldn’t see the possibilities, I was so focused on the lies that hopelessness whispered to me. But it is easy to get stuck there isn’t it? So often we don’t have a choice in what happens to us, but we do have a choice on how we will respond.

Our lives today aren’t picture perfect, whose are right?! As often as we find ourselves on the mountain top, we too find ourselves in the valley. What I have discovered over the years of walking and wrestling with my faith is that God is there in both. I can praise him at the highest peak and He will be there and I can cry out to him in the darkest pit of the valley and there He is too. It was always I that had turned away, in those times that felt desperate and out of control and as though He had left…I was the one that had taken the reins, pushed my agenda, figured I knew best and tried to be my own God. If He felt silent it was only because I had turned my back on Him.

What I do have today is a greater peace than I have ever known because I daily, and sometimes hourly, give my life back over to Him. It isn’t always easy and I still fight the natural inclination to take control. But ultimately, I know what happens when I rein and what happens when I am willing to ask God to lead me. I have seen God redeem my broken places, take my emptiness and replace it with hope. He has restored my marriage and my family time and time again and I remain forever grateful. He is a good, good Father and He can redeem your darkest hour too.

Today has been cloudy and drizzly. One of those dreary mornings where, if I was able, I would crawl back into bed and stay there.

It has been a few weeks of hard decisions and quite honestly a lot of worry. School (for us) starts in basically 4 weeks. But because of Covid, we have had to make a decision if we wanted our children to follow whatever school plan will be in place in 4 weeks or choose the learn at home option for the first 9 weeks. I know for most of you reading this was probably a really simple decision. For some it is a matter of no other choice, the parent’s need to work and they need the kids in school. I get that. For others they have kids who need the social interaction with other students. I get that too. There is absolutely NO judgement from me in which camp you fall. I know a few parents who needed to choose the learn at home option because they had a child whose health may be compromised in one way or another. School may not be the safest place for them.

I fell in a weird, “I feel like I am a mom on an island” camp. Our kids did just fine with distance learning, we were fortunate to be able to work around their schedules and still run the business. I was grateful for that when this whole thing started in March. Our kids also recognize that school is going to be nothing like they remember it. What with staying 6 feet apart from your classmates and wearing a mask all day. It is hard to really socially interact under those circumstances. And while it will be good for them to see friends (or their eyes)…with the potential hybrid model it is highly possible that if they get placed in a class with no close friends, they won’t see or talk with any of them all day. That makes me sad honestly and it is a likely reality because we have so many 4th and 5th grades classes.

And then there is this whole “we want consistency back” after almost 8 months of grief walking and “new normal.” Not only have we been learning to deal with the reality of how Covid has changed our landscape, we have also been dealing with the grief of losing a son and a brother. I don’t want to make excuses, but I feel like having that extra layer of grief added onto this situation has just made everything harder. Decisions that seem so easy for others keep me up at night. I pray about them, begging for a clear direction and feel like I am not hearing anything either way. I am trying to discern if my feelings are based out of fear or sadness or sound judgement. And I am just not sure. It has felt overwhelming to say the least. How is this our reality right now?!

Added to that has been other life stuff, like dealing with and selling Isaac’s motorcycle. It is one of the last things that we have to take care of. And while I am grateful that the new owner is someone who has a tie to Isaac, it is also just another sad reminder that my son is gone. Maybe there will come a day that I can type those words without tears, but it isn’t now. He is gone. His scent is fading from his clothing. I guess I should be grateful that it lasted this long…but now that I am losing it, I feel a sense of panic almost. It is another reminder of how fleeting this life is, how nothing here on earth lasts. Not really.

There have been some of those unexpected losses recently too. Things you don’t immediately think will cause grief to flood in but catch me by surprise. Gabe took his ACT for the first time in July. I remember when Isaac took his, remember praying with Elijah for him as he was at the high school. I would have loved to talk to him about Gabe’s experience, wearing a mask during the test, his results etc. Gabe is finally getting to that place that he is now going through those things that Isaac did. Gabe took and passed his driver’s test and in 2 days we will go and get his license. Isaac would have thought that was cool. Not being able to share those simple, life moments brings new waves of sadness I wasn’t ready for.

I know I can’t get stuck in the what ifs. I can’t sit in that depressed place where I question everything over and over and ask God why. But from time to time it happens. I don’t cry every day anymore. We have made the choice to continue to walk forward and do our best to have joy in our home. And God has been gracious in helping us doing that, but this road isn’t easy. Today I am holding on to the verse in John 16:33 “ I have said these things to you, that in me you may have peace. In the world you will have tribulation. But take heart; I have overcome the world.” God is my hope even when I don’t see or understand. This world is fleeting but his love and peace is not. Hold on to that promise today.

Photo Credit via