2 years ago it was really hard. Isaac was in a dark dark place. As parents, we had made some choices that we knew at the time would save his life but as a result it made him very angry with us. It was such a hard, lonely path. I always said I would never want to see another parent have to walk through what we did.

2 years ago I wrote this in my journal…”I pray for your restoration Lord, which I know is possible, but right now it feels HARD. Helpless Lord, not hopeless. I will remind myself of that. So I will look to You for comfort and strength. I will remember that you have done the impossible before and You can do it again. So I pray for a miracle Lord, and I wait. I love him from afar and I remember that he is a sick person…”

I know that today we are 4+ months out from Isaac’s death. But I want you to know something. God DID answer that prayer. He brought restoration back to our family. A year later our relationship with Isaac was absolutely changed. We saw healing in so many ways and I am so grateful for those memories.

Yes, ultimately we lost our son here on earth. But God WAS listening. He gave us our miracle and I believe that He will continue to restore and renew this situation as well. We continue to believe in the power of God’s redemptive nature. Because of Isaac’s faith in God, we have hope that this is not the end of Isaac’s story. I trust in that.

Whatever situation you are facing today, I encourage you to put it in God’s care. Pray and ask Him to work and then wait to see what He will do.

4 months.

The 21st will continue to be a hard day for me. While it “technically” has been 17+ weeks, today is the day that I struggle with the most on the calendar.

Last year on this day, he was at our house. It was Easter. We made a last minute change to our summer family vacation plans and booked a house in WI because he wanted to come with us. That vacation was a gift.

Yesterday I told someone I was talking to that while I never wanted to go through this…I am grateful it happened 4 months ago. When we lived in a time that people could come around us. I don’t know how I would have survived this without our community of friends and family who showed up in tangible ways for weeks.

My heart grieves for those that have lost someone in the last month that can’t receive a simple hug for comfort. I just can’t imagine how difficult that would be.

Today the sun is shining and I am grateful for that. My son was a shining light to those around him despite his many internal struggles. I will do my best to be a little more like that today in honor of him.

“Take this mountain weight
Take these ocean tears
Hold me through the trial
Come like hope again

Even when the fight seems lost
I’ll praise you
Even when it hurts like hell
I’ll praise you
Even when it makes no sense to sing
Louder then I’ll sing your praise.

I will only sign your praise…..”
Even When It Hurts – Hillsong United

My sweet brown eyed boy.

This picture came up in my memories on FB today. 5 years ago we were a month away from his high school graduation. I was reminiscing about his kindergarten graduation.

These days stuck at home trying to help educate our kids is new and hard and nothing like we expected. I am right there in the trenches with you.

And as quickly as I might find myself wanting to complain about how things are, I also recognize how much I wish I could have this chance to be “stuck” at home with my brown eyed boy.

Oh to do things differently, would it have changed things? Those questions threaten to haunt me…I can’t change the past. I won’t ever have those what if questions answered. That is so so hard.

If I can be real for a moment, I have been angry with God lately. I realized it this past week… what it was. This distance I was feeling. You see God felt overwhelmingly present in the beginning. We felt so carried by His love and grace.

But lately He hasn’t felt near. And I realized it was because I had put up a wall. I was feeling hurt and angry and honestly betrayed. I believe God could have stopped Isaac, or changed it somehow. I believe in His power to do so. But He didn’t.

I also believe God gives us free will. And I know there is sin in our world and that messes up everything. I won’t ever understand the whys. But even Jesus, in the midst of His most painful suffering, felt forsaken by His Father.

He understands our suffering in a way I hadn’t considered before. It doesn’t make the suffering any less real, but it helps knowing that God IS there redeeming it all. Even when I am angry and have pulled away from Him. He remains.

This process won’t always look pretty or wrapped up all neatly in a nice package. Trauma rarely does work itself out that way. But I feel more hopeful than I have in the last few weeks. And I can see how I desperately need to lean into God for each moment. I think He can handle my anger and my questions and my grief…especially when I am going TO Him with it, instead of away from Him.

Man I miss my brown eyed boy something fierce. And I always will. God continue to cover us with Your peace.