Oh Isaac,

This is never a letter a mom wants to write. One that her son will never see or read. Maybe it is silly me doing this, but man I miss you son. There are moments where it feels like a lifetime since we last spoke and then other moments that it still feels like you can’t possibly be gone.

So much has changed in 5 months. The world has turned upside down and it almost feels appropriate considering the fact that our lives have turned upside down too. There are days I want to text you, to ask you what you think about all of these crazy times. There are other moments that I feel a measure of peace that you aren’t here to deal with the stress of these times…

I survived Mother’s Day, my first without you here. It was cold and dreary out that day and I honestly spent the day in a pit of self pity that I wasn’t going to hear from you. I heard from so many people that made me feel loved and appreciated, but it was another “first” that was hard. I guess the rest of my life I will walk that fine line of joy and sorrow. Celebrating the time we had, grateful for your siblings that are still here but also ever aware of the gravity of your absence. It won’t ever be ok.

We are in the last several days of distance learning for the school year and Karlena has been doing a road trip project. It is on the Black Hills and so I have been showing her pictures of the places we have been before. So much of it she doesn’t remember, she was so small then.

Your dad found old pictures of our trip out there in 2014. When we stopped and hiked in the Badlands. You were so patient and caring towards your siblings. Holding their hands so they wouldn’t fall. Not many 17 year olds would be that kind….but you were. You always were such an incredible brother. I think that is why your presence is so missed by them. Even though you hadn’t lived at home for several years after graduation in 2015…you made such an impact on them at an early age.

Son, you will never be forgotten. Your dimpled smile, your kind yet mischievous eyes. You were a tender soul and in many ways this world, your life, was unkind to you and it was so hard. I am so very sorry for that. I wish I could do so many things differently, I wish I could have stopped your pain. We would have done anything, anything son, to save you.

I continue to pray that your life, your story…our story now will somehow make a difference. Some days I have more hope in that than others but we continue to seek God in all things. Our faith has never been tested like this, but God has also never felt so very present. I am grateful for that. I couldn’t continue on in my own strength if He wasn’t.

Isaac I continue to praise God for the days we had. I wouldn’t trade them for anything. You were so cherished and I miss you more than you will ever really know.

All my heart, Mom

Last year right around this time we held a Tacos and Testimonies event at our church as a women’s event. Several of us shared pieces of our story. I spoke and shared of the transformation we had seen in our relationship with Isaac. How God had moved and restored some deep hurts. I shared this journal entry from May 11, 2018…

Today I will seek to be grateful for everything even if I am filled with fear. The back and forth of hope then unknown. One day Isaac tells me he doesn’t want to be angry anymore and then he doesn’t respond to calls or messages and my mind starts to wonder where he is and what he is doing. Lord please take captive all my thoughts. Take captive my fears and my anxieties and all the things I can’t control. Lord I trust you and love you even if Isaac isn’t ever healed. Even if he ends up homeless, even if he takes his life, even if he cuts again, even if he never gets married, even if….Lord I want so much more for my son. So much. I want joy and peace and happiness and I want him to fully know you, but even if all my wants and desires are not met for my son Lord I will serve you because you have been faithful to me.

A year ago I marveled at how much God had restored. All the things that in 2018 that seemed impossible, God had made possible for us and I was so grateful. I would have never guessed that a year later I would look back at that journal entry and realize that my “even if” fears would become a reality.

So now is where the rubber meets the road I guess isn’t it? That place where faith becomes real and is tested in a way I would never have imagined it would be. It is much easier to write down my worst fears and say I will trust God even if they come true…but could I really walk it out if it were tested?

Today it hurts, this moving forward. It isn’t how I want it to be…but it is how it is. My God is still the same though. He has been faithful and kind and I do praise Him. I am grateful for the ways in which God sustains us even though we now walk forward without Isaac here.

Most of us will not be faced with our greatest fear moments. At least I hope not. I wouldn’t want this for anyone. But I feel like, for me, my relationship with God has remained firm because I have continued to look back at all the ways He as been faithful. So that even in these times of hurt and pain I can look past my circumstance and to the One who knows my future, who holds everything in His hands, and trust that God still has me in His care.

I hope you have that assurance today too. Even if the worst happens, even when it hurts…God IS with you.

A few days ago we got a call that we weren’t expecting. A local mom that we knew had lost her son…he was just 2 years older than Isaac. It was unexpected and tragic and our hearts grieved with the family.

We had been in touch with this sweet mama and wanted to stop by and see her in person. I have commented to a few friends over the past few months that I couldn’t imagine losing Isaac during a time when we were in “lockdown.” When we couldn’t have a typical funeral service…I so needed the comfort that others brought to me during those critical first few days and weeks. But now, in this time of social distancing…what do you do with that?!

Dominic and I talked about some of the most practical things we received early on and put those together to bring to our friend. I am sharing them not to brag on what we did but rather as a way to give you an idea of how you might be able to help someone in need when the time comes.

We put together an “essentials” box, napkins, kleenex, a box of quart baggies, a roll of paper towels, Clorox wipes and then a box of Nutri Grain bars, spaghetti sauce and noodles for a quick easy meal and chocolate (of course). Then we used a basket we had been gifted and filled it with all kinds of different fruit.

In those first few weeks I didn’t have much of an appetite, but a little fruit was something I could eat….and was great for my family or anyone that came by. When we received that basket it was filled with apples and oranges and also a couple of containers of juice. It was a gift to not have to go and buy some of those things in those first few weeks.

Yesterday we called our friend and asked if we could stop buy. I honestly didn’t know what to expect. While we have been to the grocery store and the hardware store in the last 8 weeks, we really haven’t seen people except for a few client signing meetings, which have been very “sterile” and socially distanced. Would we just be dropping things off on her porch? Would we be standing at a distance trying to offer comfort? It honestly felt a little weird as we were on our way.

When we arrived she invited us in and immediately we hugged. Besides my immediate family it was the first time I have had a hug or close contact with someone in months. No fear of a virus, just necessary comfort to a hurting family. We have been there in that space of unimaginable loss and understand unfortunately like many don’t. It is an honor to be allowed to walk beside someone who is hurting.

We ended up staying for several hours. We heard stories of their son, and brother and we got to share about Isaac as well. At one point she asked us what she can expect as far as emotions and feelings in the coming weeks. In those first few days it seems you have a “job,” you are planning the service and seeing people that come to offer support. I shared that it was as though God carried us in those first few weeks.

We could not have walked those days on our own. God was absolutely present. But then there comes that time when all the big things are over and everyone else has gone back to living their lives and you find yourself with your new reality. Those moments are hard ones. But there is hope.

In the early days I could not have believed that I would ever find joy again. It felt impossible. The weight of the sadness was overwhelming. But little by little joy has returned. We were able to share that hope yesterday. While it may not feel like it today, joy will come. While this situation is awful and so so sad….God still is good.

Each of us has a story. Something we have walked through that is difficult. Maybe it is a marriage struggle or addiction, pregnancy loss or trouble in school, a child with a disability or the loss of a child. There are SO many things that come at us and happen to us in this lifetime.

When we have talked about the loss of Isaac we can’t see much good out of the act of his end of life choice. Instead we have decided to make a choice to use our hurt and our experience to be of service and comfort to someone else that is walking that same path.

It is a challenge I have for all of us. What difficult thing in your life can you use to be of benefit for someone else?

Today, Mother’s Day, is an especially hard day for me. It is my first without my son here and I feel sad for myself that I won’t get to hear from him. But I also get to spend the day with my living children. – and that is a gift. And I will spend the day praying for my friend, a mama whose tender heart is broken too, but one that grieves with hope that she too will see her boy again.

I will never understand why these awful, hard things have to happen…but I will continue to run towards God. A God of comfort, who first comforted us so that we in turn could comfort others.

These two. I love seeing their relationship grow. Having two so close together was a surprise, especially after years of infertility issues between my other boys.

I remember Isaac being such a helper to me when I was pregnant with Karlena. Dominic was working in MN, and we were still living is SD and waiting on selling our house. That was 9 years ago. I had a 2 year old and a newborn (and 2 older boys) and a house to pack.

For 8 months Dominic and I had to live apart during the week until we finally moved to MN. It was hard and Isaac made my life manageable. That is putting it lightly, he was a hero during that time!

I was worried that Elijah would get lost in the shuffle a bit. So much change and he was still so young. Isaac was his buddy then and Elijah loved having a sister. They all did. There was something about having a girl that melted all their hearts.

In the past few years I have seen the friendship between my two youngest grow strong. And even more so these past few months. The other day they were laying on the trampoline and just laughing. Deep, joyful laughter about silly things.

Losing Isaac has been hard for each of us in our own way. We have all processed his loss differently and at different times. But I feel like this experience has drawn this pair closer together.

Elijah is more compassionate towards his sister. He comforts her when she is struggling. And now, in this time when they can’t play with friends, they are finding joy in time spent together. Sure there are times of arguing….they aren’t perfect! But they are helping one another heal and I am so grateful for that.

Mother’s Day is a few days away and it is a day I crawl to almost with a bit of dread. I am still a mother to 3 incredible, living children and so I celebrate that. But there is now a cloud of heaviness that surrounds the day. So I am praying for peace, and seeking to be intentional about focusing on my many blessings….and one of those is these two.