8,434 days. That is how many days we had with our boy here on earth. Not every day was perfect, I made a lot of mistakes as his mom. And since he was older and had moved out on his own there were many days we didn’t see or hear from him in the last 4 years. But every day we prayed for him, and while I am still so sad and in shock that this happened, I praise God for each day we had.

I would have loved to text him about this big storm that is upon us for the weekend. I would ask if his work was still open and tell him to drive carefully. He would respond back that his truck could handle just about anything.

The past two days I felt a bit of reprieve from the overwhelming grief. There wasn’t joy necessarily, but also not a constant fighting back of the tears. I was so grateful for that.

This morning I woke up after having a dream where for just a moment, he was there. I wanted to go back to sleep to see him and hear him again. It was the first time since this happened that I have even remembered dreaming.

He was dancing, which was funny because if you knew Isaac, dancing wasn’t his thing. But he was being goofy and dancing. Big smile and full of joy. I have to believe he is full of joy and dancing now in the presence of God.

Written for my blog in 2012….I encourage you to take some time today and write down some of your story!

One of the things that I like most about writing is reading other people’s “story”.  Hearing how God has worked in the lives of others, changing them.  We all have a story to tell.  Even those of us who aren’t professional writers need to be open to sharing our stories…..our lives can have meaning to someone else.

It is important to share those stories. Even if it impacts one person…it was worth it.

So I wanted to take some time, to reflect back and share a bit of my past with you. But I can’t really just start with the happenings of this past year….I need to first begin with how I started the journey to where I am today. And that journey starts as a young girl.

I grew up in a Christian home. We went to church, and family Bible camp in the summer. We had picnics and gatherings with other church families. God was an important part of my growing up.

When I was maybe 10, my mom started taking me to these Christian Women’s brunches. I felt pretty special to be going. It was held at the local country club, and we dressed up all fancy and had a nice lunch and registered for door-prizes :), and during lunch we listened to a woman get up and tell her story.

These women came from different backgrounds, upbringings etc….but they all had one thing in common. At some point in their lives they came in contact with God in a way that changed them. A God that was more than the “being” we learned about in church….a God that became a friend, a guide in times of trouble.

Oh how I wanted to know God that way.

And at the end of their talks these women would say a prayer. They would ask those people listening in the audience to pray silently with them if they were interested in starting that journey of faith and trusting God as their personal Savior.

The first brunch I went to I said that prayer. I meant it with everything in my being. I wanted what they had. And I was sure that once I said the prayer, my life would dramatically change.

But it didn’t. Not really anyways.

And so each month we would go I would pray that prayer again….because maybe I hadn’t done it “right”….or maybe God hadn’t heard me. I had this expectation of some magical feeling or a major change in my popularity. (This was clearly NOT God’s plan for my life) But I never quite got what I thought I should.

And while I didn’t walk away from those meetings changed in the ways I had hoped…a seed was planted. And THAT would stick with me in years to come. I can look back now and see how even then, God was working in my heart.

As a woman who has walked through some major valleys in the past 20+ years, I can confidently say that today I could see myself speaking to women, sharing my story and asking them to pray a simple prayer with me….asking them to open their hearts to a journey of faith.

Because He has always been there. Every step of the way.

And I would tell them that they may not see and hear bells and whistles or angels singing, their lives may not change at that instant….but not to be discouraged….because the hope, the promise is that God will be right there walking with them.

In the valleys, on the mountain tops. Every step He is there.

And some day they too will be grateful that they decided to take that leap of faith because in those times of difficulty, God was the One thing that stays constant. And I am so grateful for that today.

Stories. We all have them. Some stories we hide because they are difficult to share. Some stories are painful and dark and others filled with hope. But each story has the potential to impact another life.

I hope to use this place here as a home to storytelling. God has been in the thick with me, and His story of redemption and grace in my life is a story that must be told.

How about you? What part of your story can you share with me? I’d love to hear how God has been working in your life too!

God, give me Your words here, so that You receive the glory….and thank you for giving me a story to tell.

Tonight Karlena was getting ready to leave for Awana and she said she wasn’t sure she wanted to go, I think her exact words were “these days I guess I just like to be around my family more…”

So sweet, but I also knew that going would be good for her. And so I encouraged her to go and while she was gone I got a message from a friend who was there who had taken some videos during games and Karlena was playing and smiling. She just wanted me to know.

This is how we are walking through our days. Doing the next right thing as Dominic would call it. Sometimes it is hard and painful and we cry and sometimes there are brief moments of laughter.

Today I voxed my 2 best friends that I had the best day yet. It isn’t like I felt joy necessarily, but I got to have lunch with some good friends and we didn’t have any client meetings so I didn’t have to brace myself for the comments (or the non comments if they didn’t know) both are equally hard. And I guess it just felt like for a short time today the boulder that has been on my chest for weeks felt lighter.

I am grateful for moments like these. Moments where the waves don’t crash over us so frequently, where we can catch our breath. God remains present and faithful and so we are grateful.

I have been trying to clean up some of my emails. Admittedly I am searching too. Searching for something that Isaac sent over the years, or I sent to him. Often, I reach for my phone even now to text him something quick and remember just as quickly that he isn’t there to receive it.

I came across an email that I sent to Isaac back in April of 2018. The subject line said “I understand darkness too…”

I had forwarded him a copy of an email I had sent to my best friend Gindi back in 2015.

2015/2016 were a ROUGH few years for me. Dominic and I were really struggling and I was just dealing with a lot of the realities of my own character defects. I felt weighed down by the sin in my life. I wasn’t able to be fully honest about my issues and it was causing problems.

Our pastor at the time was preaching through Romans – specifically  this verse in Ch 8 “There is therefore now no condemnation to them which are in Christ Jesus, who walk not after the flesh, but after the Spirit.”

I remember sitting there in church one particular Sunday feeling SO condemned. While the pastor spoke a message of hope I sat and made a list of all the terrible things about myself. I don’t even know why I would do something like that…but I left feeling so defeated. What he said and what I heard for me and my life were two different things. I went home and immediately went to bed.

I remember Dominic coming to talk to me and trying to speak life to me, but I just wanted to give into the darkness. I felt like I deserved it.

Later that day I messaged Gindi and she too tried to speak truth over me. The following words are the email I sent to her the next morning. Still feeling pretty defeated.

Thanks for your message this morning. It has been a long, dark weekend. You are right, I know in part this is the enemy and I know that the sermon yesterday was an encouragement for believers…I just couldn’t see myself in that group anymore. Like specifically when it talks about being a new creation….how can I be a new creation and yet such a constant sinner? I felt like I was seeing the truth about myself in a way I had refused to before…

You know the first time I remember saying the prayer was when I was 12 and at this Christian Women’s brunch with my mom. I listened to this powerful testimony and how God had changed this woman’s life and she invited people to pray with her at the end and I did. I never felt like I did it right because I didn’t feel any different. I have been to that place many times over the years, begging God to come and change me, feeling like I was believing in Him but not really seeing this heart/life change like I expected there would be. So that leads me to yesterday. IF there was true salvation received, why then am I not walking/living/behaving in the spirit?

I don’t know I just feel so unsure about so many things. So confronted with the horrible person I have been for 20 years (or longer if I consider my childhood) and seeing these patterns of repeated behavior….how can I say I am living by the spirit if I have been making the same mistake over and over for a lifetime?

I just don’t even know what to do next, I feel paralyzed, like I can’t pray because clearly I don’t know how to effectively pray. I have a history of manipulating my situation so that I don’t have to take responsibility for my part…so maybe I have manipulated my entire belief system to make me feel good in spite of who I am. I feel like I have been deceiving myself, and I am pretty horrified about all of it.

Have you ever found yourself there? Maybe I am the only one….

I read those words of mine now and remember the absolute hopelessness I felt about myself…..

She responded to me with a very long email filled with scripture and truth. Because of its length I am not going to share it all here but I want to share a few things she shared with me…

“The primary marker of God’s voice in your life is PEACE.  Not depression.  In order for you to remove this albatross you have to acknowledge where it is coming from and claim victory over it. 

Charles Stanley says God convicts you, but Satan attacks you and pulls you down and discourages you about your personal value or worth.  THIS IS NOT GOD.  THIS IS THE ENEMY.  You can confess all the things Satan says you are and it won’t take away the burden because he’s speaking LIES over you right now.  HE IS AN ACCUSER OF THE BRETHERN. 

God grants us GRACE when He shows us our sins.  He gently calls us to repentance.  Not to depression and self-loathing.” 

There were absolutely some parts of my character that needed refining during that time. But I love what she said….God calls us to repentance not depression and self-loathing.

I am praying today for anyone reading this that may find themselves in darkness. For anyone who may be stuck in a pattern of self-loathing unable to see the unending grace that is available through God. I know how hard it is to reach out to someone. I was lucky that I had people speaking into my life, but also that I was even the smallest bit willing to receive it.

If you are stuck and feeling alone today, I am praying for the smallest bit of willingness for you too. That you might reach out and grab a hold of Truth and take that first step forward towards freedom found in Christ.

James 1:3-4 says this:

“For you know that the testing of your faith produces steadfastness. And let steadfastness have its full effect, that you may be perfect and complete, lacking in nothing.”

I looked up the definition of steadfastness this morning and found this; firmly fixed in places; immovable; not subject to change; firm in belief, determination or adherence, loyal.

This is definitely feels like a season of testing of my faith.

Do I really believe what I have said all these years? Is God really my strength? Is God really good in spite of my current circumstances? Can I trust Him?

For years I have been confident that He was there in our times of trial. When I look back over the course of my life I can name multiple times where God walked us through difficult seasons, was our comfort and our guide.

This current season is nothing like we have ever journeyed. I have never needed God more, I have never prayed more and asked Him to guide us more.

God continues to remain constant, immovable for us. He is there, even in this. As we continue to rely on Him for our needs our faith in who God is increases.

I want a steadfast faith, I think it is the aim of the Christian life. Fully dependent on God for everything, trusting Him in the big and the small. Praising Him in the good and the bad.

I will continue to pray for grace as we walk this path. There remains moments that I ask God “why MY son….” but then immediately I try to follow that question with “If him, now what do we do with this?”

I don’t necessarily hear an answer to that question when I ask it….so in the waiting I press on, in faith, trusting that God will use this “testing” to produce an immovable, steadfast trust in Him alone.

What are you putting your trust in today?