Several months ago I remember thinking that someday I hope I can share Isaac’s story. He seemed to be doing so well and I was certain that there was good that could come from sharing the difficulties he walked through. I never thought it would be in this way.

I am coming here in the most vulnerable ways, a mother who is burdened with grief for her son, but also a mother who wants to shed light in a place that has had such a stigma and such darkness for so long.

I am praying I do this well, while continuing to honor my son. Some of our hardest days started exactly 2 years ago today….so in the coming days I will share some of my old journal entries, my thoughts, and my hopes as we move forward.

I am certain that there is even one person reading here that has likely struggled in silence alone…today that ends. You are not alone.

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We had known that Isaac had struggled in some ways, moving to a new community was difficult, especially when he was a Freshman in High School. His first year of college didn’t work out like he had planned and just as it was for both Dominic and I who experienced the same thing….there were feelings of failure and inadequacy.

Dominic and I tried to share how God had used our uncertain paths and made something good out of them…but it is easy to tell someone that. Often times it is harder for them to walk it out themselves.

We believed that whatever or wherever Isaac landed he would be successful, we believed in him….he just didn’t see it in himself.

He and I had, what I thought, a fairly close relationship. We talked a lot and once cell phones and texting became a thing…and it became clear that he responded well to that method of communication..I used it often.

Once he went off to college I tried really hard NOT to text him every day. This was hard for me because honestly I just missed talking to him. But out of respect for his independence and needing to be in the world without his mom, I tried to set boundaries for myself.

I would text him on certain days though. The start of a new semester, or towards the end of a week just to see how things had gone…just to see how he was.

January 8, 2018 was just one of those days.

It was the first day of a new semester. Isaac had just moved from Sioux Falls where he had been living with my parents for a year taking classes from the University Center, down to Vermillion, SD where he planned to finish out his degree at USD.

We had not been able to assist him with the move into his new apartment as just days before I had a major surgery and I was still recovering. All of the details for this move seemed God planned. We had prayed about it. Doors opened for an apartment with 3 other guys, he was approved for alumni tuition rates, all the classes he wanted were available….

It just seemed like the thing he was supposed to do.

It is easy now to question if it was all a mistake, like maybe if that semester hadn’t happened then maybe not this….but I just can’t go there.

What I know is this, on January 8th, 2018 in the early morning hours I got up and wrote a prayer in my journal for Isaac. Praying that God would be with him, would bring him a mentor and a friend. Thanking God for all of the details that worked out…

I texted him that day to see how his first day of classes had gone. I started to get concerned by late afternoon when he had not replied at all. His phone went immediately to voicemail. In my gut I knew that something was not ok. I guess a mama knows.

Late that afternoon I would search the online police logs for his community and see that a call had been made on his street for a “medical emergency” the evening before…..

That is what it says in my medical file. Two words that I suppose most appropriately describe this exact point in our lives.

Along with other “Conditions” that I have had since my online chart began like post-nasal drainage, migraines and deviated nasal septum…now at the top of the list is complicated grieving.

Well over a month ago I had to make an appointment with the medical provider that prescribes me my headache management medicine. It had been awhile since we had met to benchmark where things were so when I needed a recent refill they asked if I could please make an appointment. I scheduled it for right after the vacation that Dominic and I were supposed to go on in Arizona.

So early Monday morning I sat in her office and when the nurse asked if I was there for anything else besides a medication refill discussion, I broke down and told her what happened. That I couldn’t sleep without medicine and I was worried about that long term.

And as they do, they asked me some of the same questions that my son was probably asked when he needed help. How was I dealing with everything, did I have people to support me, was I interested in a referral to a counselor….

Yes this grieving is complicated.

There is a physical component, a mental component and an emotional one….spiritual even. So many layers to this grieving process.

And just like “post-nasal drainage”…something that was an issue years many ago, has become a permanent part of my medical record, so too complicated grieving will remain.

The difference I suppose is that is something I will likely carry with me for the remainder of my life. And that is complicated.

Right before I went on to speak at the NSB conference in November I was so overcome. I remember Rachel asking me if I was nervous but it wasn’t that…it was this incredible desire to steward well what I believe God had called me to. It brought me to tears.

She gathered a bunch of the leadership team and speaking/worship team and we went backstage so they could pray over me. It was the most holy and humbling of experiences.

I didn’t even realize there was a photo that captured the moment until Carolyn sent it to me yesterday. These beautiful women circled around me, hands on me, lifting me up to God.

It is a picture of who you all have been these past few weeks.

I also got a message from my friend Sara (I hope it ok I share this) but again it is such a beautiful picture of what is happening here….She said “When I found out about Isaac I started praying and God gave me this picture. Your hand is holding tightly to His robe and all of the prayers that are being said are holding onto your hand and keeping it from slipping.”

The prayers of the faithful, of this Body of Christ that has surrounded us, is keeping our hands held tightly to Jesus.

I can’t say it enough, your faithful prayers have sustained us. I believe that with everything in me. I remember how I felt in the middle of that circle of women, tears streaming down my face, heart racing and yet so very aware that the moment was incredibly holy.

That is what this is, this holy ground that we are walking on. Not because WE are holy in any way, but because of your fervent prayers and a faithful God we can see Him, we can feel Him. This journey is horrible and holy in the same breath.

Our sweet Elijah boy is home sick with me today. He woke up coughing more than usual with a low grade fever and feeling dizzy and nauseous. He slept all morning on the couch. That is when I know he isn’t ok, when he hasn’t asked to watch tv or electronics!

About 1 pm he got up and had a small amount of food and then said he wasn’t sure he could sleep anymore and was it ok if he watched a cartoon. I hate seeing my kids sick and I am sure the stress of the last few weeks has just worn their bodies out.

I was supposed to be at the office by myself today, Dominic is out of town for meetings we had planned weeks ago. The reality is his business is our livelihood, so obviously at some point we had to get back into “real life.” Dominic is a do-er so working is good for him. I am finding it harder to focus and concentrate. It will come, I know that…but for today I was grateful for an unexpected sick day.

Last night, I don’t know why, but I went back to the private livestream group to watch a portion of my talk from the Never So Broken Conference in November.

I was in tears the entire time. Here is the deal, for those that don’t know or weren’t there….I wasn’t supposed to speak this year. But in early September, my dear friend Hannah had to step down from speaking and they asked me if I would take her place. The theme was “Walking in Thankfulness.”

I honestly didn’t have to even pray about it…I knew God was calling me to do this and in the matter of a very short amount of time, that weekend before Labor Day, God gave me the words that would ultimately become my conference talk.

I prayed about who in the Bible represented Thankfulness and immediately I thought of Job. Now I will be honest. I “knew” only the Sunday School version of Job’s story. I had not studied this book in the Bible. I am NOT a Biblical scholar. But I knew that is where I was supposed to land.

Here is this man, who faces incredible, unimaginable loss. So Much Loss. And his IMMEDIATE response was “the Lord gives and the Lord takes away, Blessed be the name of the Lord.” He worshiped God!

I studied that book, saw how Job trusted God but also how he questioned Him. Job wasn’t happy about what happened to him, but he kept going back to God. And when God reveals His majesty to Job….all the things He is capable of, Job repents and at the end of the book we see how God restores so much to Job.

I said in my talk that I think we all need to land here, in that place of recognizing who God is, and that we are in desperate need of a Savior….and that is where true gratitude is formed.

Here is the thing….the Bible says that God is all knowing. So I believe He knows all things today and in the future. God knew this path we would be walking. On September 2, 2019 He gave me words, words that were genuine, born from years of seeing Him be faithful, words that I thought would minister to others. Words that God knew would minister to me just 4 months later.

As I read Job’s response of worship to those women on November 2nd I said something like this….”would that be your response in the midst of a terrible crisis? I don’t know that it would be mine.”

And yet….it was.

Not because I am so amazing or because there is something incredible about MY faith. NO! Hear me on this! God has proved faithful over and over and over again. Not me!

Almost 45 years around the sun and I have seen God take and use my deepest, ugliest, most shameful parts and use them for something good.

The reason that the words “I just want to see Jesus in this…” sprang forth from my mouth that first night is because God has been an integral part of my life for so long. He has guided me, loved me and carried me. And in His wisdom, even if I don’t fully understand, He prepared me for such a time as this.

I guess I just feel like it needs to be said that God is the one faithful here. It isn’t me. I have had a “hindsight faith” for the majority of my life….but in this, He poured out. I believe it is because He was preparing me when I didn’t realize it.

I was given the message on September 2nd. I wrote it (all 15,000 words of it) and then I spoke it over and over and over again as I practiced so that I wouldn’t be a total flop on stage. All preparation. Not for my moment on stage….no, for this.

For December 21.

I see myself in that video and know that the woman I once was is gone….but something new is springing forth. And God’s glory WILL be seen. I have no doubt.

We went to church this morning. I thought I was going to be ok but once I got there I couldn’t stop the tears. The first song we sang was “Raise a Hallelujah.”

The best I could do was hold out my hands, close my eyes and let the tears come. “I’m gonna sing in the middle of the storm…louder and louder, you’re gonna hear my praises roar. Up from the ashes hope will arise, death is defeated, the King is alive.”

I believe this but it hurts. Today the physical pain is more present than it was yesterday. I feel the weight of the grief and I can’t seem to get out from under it. I suppose this is how it will go. “Good” days with few tears and then days that it all seems so fresh.

It was an unusually warm day for January so Dominic and Gabe went out after church to take down our Christmas lights and garland around our porch. I decided to tackle the front Christmas tree.

The younger kids were helping, and admittedly weren’t super excited about it at the time….I snapped and said that I just didn’t want arguing or questions. Even taking down the tree hurt. I am an ornament person. Every year I have purchased a special ornament for the kids. The hope was that some day they would take their ornaments and use them with their own families….

I won’t have that with Isaac. There won’t be an engagement or a wedding to plan, no grandchildren to look forward to. All those things a parent hopes for their child….that ended on December 21 for Isaac.

Taking down that tree today, was just another reminder of all that we lost.

Exposing the reality of our grief is a bit scary, but it also has felt necessary.

I have long been too worried about what people thought of me, how I looked, did I say the right thing or “perform” well? I wasn’t comfortable being fully me I guess. Something in me has shifted. I need to process this way for me and if it can benefit someone that is fantastic….and if it makes others uncomfortable – that’s ok too.

I started a book called “Holding on to Hope” in it the author Nancy Guthrie says this:

“I realized I had a choice – I could try and stuff the hurt away in a closet, pretend it wasn’t there and wish it would disappear, or I could bring it out into the open, expose it to the Light, probe it, accept it, and allow it to heal. I chose to face it head-on, trudge through it, feel its full weight, and do my best to confront my feelings of loss and hopelessness wit the truth of God’s Word at every turn…..”

I couldn’t say it better. That is what I am trying to do. If you are here with me….thanks for coming along, for allowing me to walk this path this way and for encouraging me as I go.