Monthly Archives: May 2014

Under His Wings

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Eagle 1

I received a small plaque as a wedding shower gift with a picture of an eagle and a Bible verse on it.  The familiar Isaiah 40:31 “but they who wait for the Lord shall renew their strength; they shall mount up with wings like eagles; they shall run and not be weary; they shall walk and not faint.” 

I hung it on a small nail right above the light switch in our bedroom in our old house. For 13 years I would see that plaque as I entered and exited the bedroom and that verse would eventually became one of great comfort to me.

I am not a very patient person by nature. Alright if we are being honest, I am not a patient person AT ALL. In fact when I would pray for patience God would give me plenty of opportunities to “practice” and I pretty much failed every time. I have since stopped praying for patience! 😉

So waiting on the Lord wasn’t something that came easily to me.

And because I also struggle with control, I often take life, and the lives of those around me in my own hands. If everyone would just listen to all my wisdom, things would be so much easier wouldn’t it? ahem…clearly God has had some tough work to do with the likes of me!

My husband and I married at a young age. Pregnant with a son at 21, we were ill equipped to be husband and wife, and even more so, parents. I had a “white picket fence” idea of of what marriage and motherhood should look like and when things started to get difficult I didn’t know what to do.

I had what I thought was a “relationship” with God, and a belief that Jesus had died for my sins, but the way that I invested in that relationship was by crying out to God when things were tough, and begging Him to fix the problem (aka my husband – because clearly I was a saint). I didn’t praise Him for the good things, I didn’t spend time in His Word…I just called on His 1-800-CRISIS line when it suited me.

Have you ever been there? So self-righteous and sure that you are in the right, so quick to point fingers and control? Hard headed and stubborn? No – it’s just me?

I am honored to be sharing this full post over at Katie’s blog today. She is doing a series on the Psalms and it was a blessing to study and reflect on Psalm 91.

Psalm Series

Photo Credit: Carl Chapman

You Are Brave

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Karlena and Elijah 2

This is a picture of Karlena with my 3rd son Elijah (who just recently turned 5). She was so excited about him when he was born…oh how I know she would have loved meeting our girl, her namesake as well.

Karlena has a son who is a couple of years younger than Isaac. So a teenager, which is tough enough, and then add that you are going through some of your most difficult years without your mom.

It makes my heart hurt.

I had a chance to talk to his dad for a little bit online a few days ago. I worry about them. I know how much Karlena wanted them both to be happy after she was gone. They deserve that.

But it is hard.

Grief is tough and it sneaks up on you at the strangest of times.

I say this from my experience, I can’t imagine how much more difficult it would be if it was my mom.

They are making some big changes and moving to a new home, a new community soon.

The change will be tough I am sure – but necessary maybe?

I am sure their house holds so many memories. Karlena got progressively sick in that home, and passed away there as well. The last time that I saw her in person alive, I knew as I left that I probably wouldn’t be back there to visit her. I just had a feeling.

It is hard to leave, leave the memory of her…but time and time again she told me that she wanted to see her family happy and thriving after she was gone. They have so much life left to live. And sometimes change is tough, but necessary for growth!

I know that when we moved to Marshall, Isaac was the same age as Karlena’s son and it was hard. When I was thinking about it I was overcome by the thought that Kaleb was just so brave.

He has had a say in this move and those are big choices for a teenager to make. Ultimately I think he knows this will be good for him as well…a tough but so very brave choice.

If Karlena were here today, she would be so proud of you Kaleb. Even on those days that you feel like you have failed, or you question your choices. I believe it completely that she is just so proud of you.

Because you are brave.

Don’t forget that!

Embrace the new adventure that is in front of you and know that as you do I am praying for you. I will keep praying for you too. Karlena was an amazing prayer warrior on my behalf and now it is my time to return the favor.

Kaleb, you are brave. These changes won’t always come easy but I think they will continue to shape you in to a man of drive and purpose and I am excited to see where God leads you brave one!

You Are Brave

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Karlena and Elijah 2

This is a picture of Karlena with my 3rd son Elijah (who just recently turned 5). She was so excited about him when he was born…oh how I know she would have loved meeting our girl, her namesake as well.

Karlena has a son who is a couple of years younger than Isaac. So a teenager, which is tough enough, and then add that you are going through some of your most difficult years without your mom.

It makes my heart hurt.

I had a chance to talk to his dad for a little bit online a few days ago. I worry about them. I know how much Karlena wanted them both to be happy after she was gone. They deserve that.

But it is hard.

Grief is tough and it sneaks up on you at the strangest of times.

I say this from my experience, I can’t imagine how much more difficult it would be if it was my mom.

They are making some big changes and moving to a new home, a new community soon.

The change will be tough I am sure – but necessary maybe?

I am sure their house holds so many memories. Karlena got progressively sick in that home, and passed away there as well. The last time that I saw her in person alive, I knew as I left that I probably wouldn’t be back there to visit her. I just had a feeling.

It is hard to leave, leave the memory of her…but time and time again she told me that she wanted to see her family happy and thriving after she was gone. They have so much life left to live. And sometimes change is tough, but necessary for growth!

I know that when we moved to Marshall, Isaac was the same age as Karlena’s son and it was hard. When I was thinking about it I was overcome by the thought that Kaleb was just so brave.

He has had a say in this move and those are big choices for a teenager to make. Ultimately I think he knows this will be good for him as well…a tough but so very brave choice.

If Karlena were here today, she would be so proud of you Kaleb. Even on those days that you feel like you have failed, or you question your choices. I believe it completely that she is just so proud of you.

Because you are brave.

Don’t forget that!

Embrace the new adventure that is in front of you and know that as you do I am praying for you. I will keep praying for you too. Karlena was an amazing prayer warrior on my behalf and now it is my time to return the favor.

Kaleb, you are brave. These changes won’t always come easy but I think they will continue to shape you in to a man of drive and purpose and I am excited to see where God leads you brave one!

Layers Unfolding

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Birch 4

I love the birch tree that is in our front yard. It has always been a thing of beauty to me. While I typically picture the birch as a tall straight trunk this one is different…unique in its own way.

In the mornings when I do my bible study I often just enjoy the view of this beautiful tree. A few days ago I was resting after lunch and noticed all of the different layers that were bending away from the main trunk.

A few spots were especially raw and the bark that was exposed underneath was a lighter color. The kids at one point this spring took to pulling on that bark and tearing it away when it wasn’t ready.

I find myself doing the same in my own life at times . Wanting so bad to find the new skin under the old, I tear away at the layers of who I am and find that it is too soon, too raw and I am not ready for the change.

Dominic and I will celebrate our 18 year anniversary in a little over a week. It just so happens that we have been asked by our pastor to share our testimony on that very Sunday in church. Sharing where we have been, what has changed, and where we still struggle today. Oh and all in the span of about 20 minutes. If you know my husband and I you know that we aren’t short on words so getting it all in will be just short of a miracle in itself! 😉

I have been thinking a lot about what best to share so that God gets the glory. There are so many miracles that have occurred in our relationship because of Gods intervention and yet, still so much change and growth that needs to occur inside of me.

I would like to say that I am not at all a reflection of the person I once was. Angry and bitter, resentful and vengeful and feeling oh so holy.

But the truth is that even though there have been so many changes, there are still areas of bondage that I struggle with.  Yes God has slowly peeled back layers to reveal a new creation because of His hand …. But I am not fully complete yet that is where I struggle the most.

Specifically, I am not good about taking responsibility for my poor behavior. I can point out the negatives in someone else real easy. Just ask Dominic he has had the unfortunate “opportunity” to experience it firsthand. I can justify my choices based on something that has no relevance to the situation. And make excuses for why it isn’t ever my “fault”.

It isn’t right and it is a repeating sin in my life that is becoming all too burdensome.

I want freedom.

I want to rip off the old layers and find the new underneath.

But am I ready for real change? Is my heart in the right place? Have I truly brought it to the alter, willing to do whatever it takes to find freedom once and for all?

I believe that God can deliver us from those things that keep us in bondage. Fears, addictions, anger and resentments. I have seen God work in amazing ways in the lives of people around me.

So why not me? Why after almost 18 are there still areas that haunt me?

I have to believe that I haven’t been fully ready to shed the old because it is comfortable. Sure my behavior gets me in trouble every once and awhile, but who is it hurting really and aren’t there so many worse things out there that I am not doing?

Is it really all that bad?

The answer is yes. Especially if it hurts the people closest to me that I love.

And you know what? I don’t have the easy answer on how to change. I know that with God all things are possible. So I am giving myself, my sins, my justifications, and my anger…giving it all to God.

I am praying that He will remove the layers that need to go in His time. I am asking that what is found underneath any bad be filled with the full knowledge of His grace. That I would be a reflection of Him through me so that I couldn’t take credit for the transformation.

Because I want you to see Him when you see me.

God is the reason I have the ability to pour into these pages here. He is the reason I find myself typing frantically on the notes page of my cell phone at 11:42pm because this message here is His not mine!

I believe that no matter what is holding you or I in bondage today can be loosed and set free by the power of the Almighty! We just need to be the least bit willing to let Him do the refining, no matter how long it takes.

I think we will find that what is underneath is strong and beautiful. And He does it all because of His great love for us.

Don’t be discouraged friend. Start praying over those areas you want freedom in and be ready to give Him the glory as the transformations occur!

Lessons I Learned from My Daughter

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Mess 1

My only daughter is a bit of a hoarder.

She is three and fiercely independent, and apparently has a problem sharing her things. She will make piles with all of her favorite toys in the middle of her room, add a bag of chips and her new beach towel and she is set and her room is off limits!

I will “encourage” her to go and clean her room. And since we are all friends here and I am sharing a bit of my reality…she doesn’t listen to a word that I say. She instead will “encourage” me to clean it for her. Ahem – it is a time of training for both of us.

She is holding tightly to those things that she thinks she can control, testing boundaries and seeking to find her place in our family.

And I realize that I am no different in my Father/Daughter relationship with God.

I did the whole “accepted Jesus in my heart” prayer when I was a pre-teen. I heard a woman’s story of redemption, and her call to pray a simple prayer. I said the prayer with expectation but didn’t feel a change.

I figured I must have done it wrong. So each time I had the opportunity to say that prayer, I did…I assumed that at some point it would “take.”

My teenage and early adult years weren’t easy – whose are really?! But I didn’t have a relationship with God because I didn’t feel worthy. My life was always such a mess.

God wants us right in the middle of our mess because it’s the perfect place for Him to shine through our imperfections.

I walked through life knowing I was a hypocrite.

So I worked really hard at trying to “get it together”. Instead of embracing the failures as opportunities for growth and thanking God for the grace He gives me, I tried to just be better, do better, act better…because maybe then I would earn the right to be one of His.

That merry-go-round is exhausting isn’t it?!

It has been an honor to be a part of the Rhinestone Jesus launch team and today I had the opportunity to share a “Yes in my mess” guest post! You can read the rest of this post over at Kristen Welch’s blog “We Are That Family“!