I have been silent again here recently and it hasn’t been because of a lack of words, but rather a lack of sight.
I had intended to share this “news” after all of the healing had taken place, I guess to be honest I didn’t want any judgement about it and was afraid if I shared my reality that I might get some of that.
But I am beginning to see that God doesn’t and hasn’t called me to share the perfect here.
As much as I would rather do that…I am seeing that the times when I grow the most, learn the most about myself and my trust in God, is in the messy times. And I have been in the thick of it this past week.
Last Thursday September 4th, I had eye surgery. PRK to be exact. I plan on blogging more specifically about that experience because as I approached this surgery I did a lot of research and had a hard time finding quality/reliable information. But that isn’t for today.
What I feel God is asking me to share instead is the heart journey I have taken.
But let me back up just a bit. My husband and I both started researching Lasik surgery several months ago. As is the case for most things, much of what you find when you google these surgeries is negative. We had initial consultations and discovered that Dominic was eligible for the Lasik surgery, but because of my thin corneas, I was not. PRK was my only option and while it is a “safer” surgery it has a much longer recovery time.
After reading some horror stories online I got scared and cancelled the surgery I had scheduled. But Dominic made a decision to move forward.
I initially didn’t agree with him. Partly because I had fear and mostly because I was so jealous that he was going to get the “easy” surgery. Dominic is a Type A, like myself, and I was worried that if things didn’t turn out liked he hoped they would that he would be miserable. Miserable to be around, and I didn’t want to deal with that.
It stinks even having to admit that was one of my primary concerns but it was. And I let him know it on more than one occassion.
Surgery day came for Dominic and I spent time praying that everything would be better than expected. And, praise God, all went perfectly. On day 1 he was seeing 20/20 and 20/15…by the end of week 1 he was 20/15 in both eyes…almost 20/10. He is more than pleased with his results.
Throughout this entire process I was sure I wasn’t going to move forward but there was a hitch in my gut about it. I wanted the surgery but I was afraid. Afraid it wouldn’t be easy for me and afraid of how I would react if it wasn’t.
I did some more research, talked to the Dr. again, and some people who had the PRK procedure done recently…and felt like I needed to move forward. I know it may sound crazy but I felt like God was asking if I was willing to trust Him with this too.
So I scheduled the surgery. Told a few close friends to pray for me and went in believing I was fully prepared even if the “worst case” scenerio occurred.
As far as the actual surgery went, it couldn’t have been better. I didn’t experience the terrible pain I had read about and only had 1 day in the first 4 where I had an issue with light sensitivity. I believed that because I was better than expected, I would be seeing 20/20 in no time.
On day 4 the bandage contacts were removed and my vision was tested for the first time. While my vision had improved, it was not good enough to pass the standards for driving. I was crushed.
You see I DO NOT like having to rely on others to do things for me. Especially things that I should be able to do on my own.
Instead of being grateful that my mother-in-law was here to help take care of some of those basic things for me, I got resentful. Resentful that she got to hear the end-of-the-day stories before I did. Resentful that I had to ask for a ride to the grocery store, resentful that I was struggling to see my computer at work and couldn’t do my job well.
Are you seeing a theme here?
Instead of gratitude, I was filled with resentment.
On Thursday I was scheduled for my 1 week check. I wasn’t seeing a difference in my vision but I NEEDED to be able to drive again. I felt like my sanity depended on it.
When I didn’t pass the test I broke down in the Dr’s office. The good news is that everything is healing perfectly. It basically comes down to the fact that my eyes need more time, and that is normal and expected.
As Dominic drove me back to our office I had another meltdown. Maybe more like a crazy episode, but who’s keeping track?! I wanted my life back, I wanted it to be easy and gosh darn it it wasn’t fair that I still couldn’t drive!
Hadn’t I been so worried that Dominic would act the very way I was now behaving? Here I was faced with a choice – accept my circumstance with grace, or remain resentful.
Remaining resentful just takes so much work…it doesn’t feel good and it makes everyone around me miserable.
This is getting long, I apologize. I feel like I have to get the post out and amazingly can see my computer screen better than I have all week…so I am sticking with it.
Tonight Isaac had his senior pictures. A local friend took them and we went out to her farm for some fun outdoor shots. At one point she apologized for the mess in her yard. Because you see, not many of us are comfortable with other people seeing us in our “mess”.
I wouldn’t have necessarily known if the yard was more messy than usual…but she could see it.
Often our faults, and our flaws…our mess, bother us the most of all. (<====Click to Tweet)
We want to cover it up, put it in a closet, or apologize it away. But God sees our mess each and every day and loves us anyways.
When we don’t have it together, when we have crazy flip-out moments and unrealistic expectations…God walks through all of those moments with us.
We are not judged, we are not condemned. We are loved.
Do you hear that tonight?
You are LOVED.
There may be things you are hiding from, things you feel need to be explained away, messes that remain long after they should have been dealt with, heart-isssues that you try and manage by your own devices when God is the only One that can heal them.
If you are there…would you stop with me and find something of beauty to focus on?
The picture above is the sunset we saw when Isaac was driving us home tonight.
Beautiful, the picture doesn’t do it justice.
A reminder for me that while my sight today isn’t perfect, there is still beauty around me.
God is in the blurry and the clear. (<====Click to Tweet)
I didn’t act like I believed that this past week. If things had gone better than expected, of course God would have gotten the glory.
But because they didn’t, does that mean He deserves any less?!
No!
So tonight I am seeing His beauty in a simple sunset. I am praising Him that I am on a road to recovery and He is with me every step. Because I don’t need perfection to find peace.
With Love, Kristin
