A few days ago we got a call that we weren’t expecting. A local mom that we knew had lost her son…he was just 2 years older than Isaac. It was unexpected and tragic and our hearts grieved with the family.

We had been in touch with this sweet mama and wanted to stop by and see her in person. I have commented to a few friends over the past few months that I couldn’t imagine losing Isaac during a time when we were in “lockdown.” When we couldn’t have a typical funeral service…I so needed the comfort that others brought to me during those critical first few days and weeks. But now, in this time of social distancing…what do you do with that?!

Dominic and I talked about some of the most practical things we received early on and put those together to bring to our friend. I am sharing them not to brag on what we did but rather as a way to give you an idea of how you might be able to help someone in need when the time comes.

We put together an “essentials” box, napkins, kleenex, a box of quart baggies, a roll of paper towels, Clorox wipes and then a box of Nutri Grain bars, spaghetti sauce and noodles for a quick easy meal and chocolate (of course). Then we used a basket we had been gifted and filled it with all kinds of different fruit.

In those first few weeks I didn’t have much of an appetite, but a little fruit was something I could eat….and was great for my family or anyone that came by. When we received that basket it was filled with apples and oranges and also a couple of containers of juice. It was a gift to not have to go and buy some of those things in those first few weeks.

Yesterday we called our friend and asked if we could stop buy. I honestly didn’t know what to expect. While we have been to the grocery store and the hardware store in the last 8 weeks, we really haven’t seen people except for a few client signing meetings, which have been very “sterile” and socially distanced. Would we just be dropping things off on her porch? Would we be standing at a distance trying to offer comfort? It honestly felt a little weird as we were on our way.

When we arrived she invited us in and immediately we hugged. Besides my immediate family it was the first time I have had a hug or close contact with someone in months. No fear of a virus, just necessary comfort to a hurting family. We have been there in that space of unimaginable loss and understand unfortunately like many don’t. It is an honor to be allowed to walk beside someone who is hurting.

We ended up staying for several hours. We heard stories of their son, and brother and we got to share about Isaac as well. At one point she asked us what she can expect as far as emotions and feelings in the coming weeks. In those first few days it seems you have a “job,” you are planning the service and seeing people that come to offer support. I shared that it was as though God carried us in those first few weeks.

We could not have walked those days on our own. God was absolutely present. But then there comes that time when all the big things are over and everyone else has gone back to living their lives and you find yourself with your new reality. Those moments are hard ones. But there is hope.

In the early days I could not have believed that I would ever find joy again. It felt impossible. The weight of the sadness was overwhelming. But little by little joy has returned. We were able to share that hope yesterday. While it may not feel like it today, joy will come. While this situation is awful and so so sad….God still is good.

Each of us has a story. Something we have walked through that is difficult. Maybe it is a marriage struggle or addiction, pregnancy loss or trouble in school, a child with a disability or the loss of a child. There are SO many things that come at us and happen to us in this lifetime.

When we have talked about the loss of Isaac we can’t see much good out of the act of his end of life choice. Instead we have decided to make a choice to use our hurt and our experience to be of service and comfort to someone else that is walking that same path.

It is a challenge I have for all of us. What difficult thing in your life can you use to be of benefit for someone else?

Today, Mother’s Day, is an especially hard day for me. It is my first without my son here and I feel sad for myself that I won’t get to hear from him. But I also get to spend the day with my living children. – and that is a gift. And I will spend the day praying for my friend, a mama whose tender heart is broken too, but one that grieves with hope that she too will see her boy again.

I will never understand why these awful, hard things have to happen…but I will continue to run towards God. A God of comfort, who first comforted us so that we in turn could comfort others.

These two. I love seeing their relationship grow. Having two so close together was a surprise, especially after years of infertility issues between my other boys.

I remember Isaac being such a helper to me when I was pregnant with Karlena. Dominic was working in MN, and we were still living is SD and waiting on selling our house. That was 9 years ago. I had a 2 year old and a newborn (and 2 older boys) and a house to pack.

For 8 months Dominic and I had to live apart during the week until we finally moved to MN. It was hard and Isaac made my life manageable. That is putting it lightly, he was a hero during that time!

I was worried that Elijah would get lost in the shuffle a bit. So much change and he was still so young. Isaac was his buddy then and Elijah loved having a sister. They all did. There was something about having a girl that melted all their hearts.

In the past few years I have seen the friendship between my two youngest grow strong. And even more so these past few months. The other day they were laying on the trampoline and just laughing. Deep, joyful laughter about silly things.

Losing Isaac has been hard for each of us in our own way. We have all processed his loss differently and at different times. But I feel like this experience has drawn this pair closer together.

Elijah is more compassionate towards his sister. He comforts her when she is struggling. And now, in this time when they can’t play with friends, they are finding joy in time spent together. Sure there are times of arguing….they aren’t perfect! But they are helping one another heal and I am so grateful for that.

Mother’s Day is a few days away and it is a day I crawl to almost with a bit of dread. I am still a mother to 3 incredible, living children and so I celebrate that. But there is now a cloud of heaviness that surrounds the day. So I am praying for peace, and seeking to be intentional about focusing on my many blessings….and one of those is these two.

2 years ago it was really hard. Isaac was in a dark dark place. As parents, we had made some choices that we knew at the time would save his life but as a result it made him very angry with us. It was such a hard, lonely path. I always said I would never want to see another parent have to walk through what we did.

2 years ago I wrote this in my journal…”I pray for your restoration Lord, which I know is possible, but right now it feels HARD. Helpless Lord, not hopeless. I will remind myself of that. So I will look to You for comfort and strength. I will remember that you have done the impossible before and You can do it again. So I pray for a miracle Lord, and I wait. I love him from afar and I remember that he is a sick person…”

I know that today we are 4+ months out from Isaac’s death. But I want you to know something. God DID answer that prayer. He brought restoration back to our family. A year later our relationship with Isaac was absolutely changed. We saw healing in so many ways and I am so grateful for those memories.

Yes, ultimately we lost our son here on earth. But God WAS listening. He gave us our miracle and I believe that He will continue to restore and renew this situation as well. We continue to believe in the power of God’s redemptive nature. Because of Isaac’s faith in God, we have hope that this is not the end of Isaac’s story. I trust in that.

Whatever situation you are facing today, I encourage you to put it in God’s care. Pray and ask Him to work and then wait to see what He will do.

4 months.

The 21st will continue to be a hard day for me. While it “technically” has been 17+ weeks, today is the day that I struggle with the most on the calendar.

Last year on this day, he was at our house. It was Easter. We made a last minute change to our summer family vacation plans and booked a house in WI because he wanted to come with us. That vacation was a gift.

Yesterday I told someone I was talking to that while I never wanted to go through this…I am grateful it happened 4 months ago. When we lived in a time that people could come around us. I don’t know how I would have survived this without our community of friends and family who showed up in tangible ways for weeks.

My heart grieves for those that have lost someone in the last month that can’t receive a simple hug for comfort. I just can’t imagine how difficult that would be.

Today the sun is shining and I am grateful for that. My son was a shining light to those around him despite his many internal struggles. I will do my best to be a little more like that today in honor of him.

“Take this mountain weight
Take these ocean tears
Hold me through the trial
Come like hope again

Even when the fight seems lost
I’ll praise you
Even when it hurts like hell
I’ll praise you
Even when it makes no sense to sing
Louder then I’ll sing your praise.

I will only sign your praise…..”
Even When It Hurts – Hillsong United

My sweet brown eyed boy.

This picture came up in my memories on FB today. 5 years ago we were a month away from his high school graduation. I was reminiscing about his kindergarten graduation.

These days stuck at home trying to help educate our kids is new and hard and nothing like we expected. I am right there in the trenches with you.

And as quickly as I might find myself wanting to complain about how things are, I also recognize how much I wish I could have this chance to be “stuck” at home with my brown eyed boy.

Oh to do things differently, would it have changed things? Those questions threaten to haunt me…I can’t change the past. I won’t ever have those what if questions answered. That is so so hard.

If I can be real for a moment, I have been angry with God lately. I realized it this past week… what it was. This distance I was feeling. You see God felt overwhelmingly present in the beginning. We felt so carried by His love and grace.

But lately He hasn’t felt near. And I realized it was because I had put up a wall. I was feeling hurt and angry and honestly betrayed. I believe God could have stopped Isaac, or changed it somehow. I believe in His power to do so. But He didn’t.

I also believe God gives us free will. And I know there is sin in our world and that messes up everything. I won’t ever understand the whys. But even Jesus, in the midst of His most painful suffering, felt forsaken by His Father.

He understands our suffering in a way I hadn’t considered before. It doesn’t make the suffering any less real, but it helps knowing that God IS there redeeming it all. Even when I am angry and have pulled away from Him. He remains.

This process won’t always look pretty or wrapped up all neatly in a nice package. Trauma rarely does work itself out that way. But I feel more hopeful than I have in the last few weeks. And I can see how I desperately need to lean into God for each moment. I think He can handle my anger and my questions and my grief…especially when I am going TO Him with it, instead of away from Him.

Man I miss my brown eyed boy something fierce. And I always will. God continue to cover us with Your peace.