Dominic,

It almost feels like a bit of a cruel joke that Father’s Day is falling on the 6 month anniversary of Isaac’s death. But I wanted to take a minute and speak to you – my husband, the father of all of amazing kids on this special day that honors dads.

I know that when we found out the news of my pregnancy it was scary and unexpected and neither of us were prepared to be parents. But when I showed you that positive pregnancy test you didn’t hesitate for one moment. “We will raise this baby together” you said.

From that moment you were his dad.

You said it at Isaac’s funeral, he helped bring us together. And we have 3 more kids as a result. Isaac was our biggest baby, but when he was born he seemed so small. Especially when you held him. You were so worried about breaking him.

We spent a lot of time just the three of us before Gabe came along 7 years later. Isaac was your buddy when I worked the day shift and you worked nights. When we bought that house in Beresford, he followed you everywhere. He wanted to do what you were doing. From mowing to building something, to sitting on our deck and talking to our neighbor Melvin….he was your shadow.

You have been a great dad Dominic. I know it hasn’t always been easy. We struggled, so much early on and made a lot of mistakes with each other, but you always, always loved our kids.

You have been their protector. You have been an example of grace and humility, you have modeled how to forgive. You tell more stories than anyone I know and know more random facts and childhood songs too! The things you come up with on a routine basis continually make us all laugh.

I don’t say it enough, we don’t say it enough….but we are so very grateful for who you are in our family.

On the night that we found out about Isaac you protected me too. I heard the knock at the door, I even heard a voice ask if your wife was home. You could have let the officers in, but instead you stepped outside and received the worst news of your life on your own. You bore the brunt of that horrible situation and then you came in to tell me.

I don’t think I will ever forget the look in your eyes, telling me our son was gone. But you were a rock during that time for me and for our family. I know how much you were hurting and yet you shouldered a lot of responsibility during that time as we walked through our goodbyes.

Dominic, I have seen your faith tested in a way many do not. God has continued to refine you into a leader and a strong man of faith. You use your wisdom and your experience to not only mold and shape our family, but to also encourage others who are in a difficult place.

Last summer as our family vacation in Wisconsin was wrapping up we sat around the dining room table of our VRBO and Dominic asked everyone to go around and share their favorite memory from the week.

Isaac said “fishing with dad.” I am so grateful that we got that vacation with our son and have those memories and I hope you never forget Dominic, how much Isaac loved you. Because he did. We all do.

Happy Father’s Day,

K.

Today is our 24th wedding anniversary.

It is no secret that when we got married I was 4 months pregnant with Isaac. It was the anticipation of our son, his life and our commitment to raise him together, that initially brought Dominic and I together in marriage.

We had no idea what we were doing. In November, when I spoke at the Never So Broken conference I shared that we had no idea how to be husband and wife, or parents….but we stood at that alter and made a commitment to love one another for better or worse.

We had no idea how difficult life would become. And we made so many mistakes. But God remained faithful to us and He was long-suffering with us and in time Dominic and I found our way back to a committed relationship with God, together.

And in the past 5+ months our vows have been tested like no other time. It is said that often times losing a child can destroy a marriage. The grief is too much, the way we individually process tears us apart, blame and guilt form barriers.

On the night we received the news that Isaac was gone and I called Gindi, and that was my one prayer request, that God would protect our marriage from any attacks that would come our way in the coming days. I wanted Dominic and I to be united, to stand firm together. I didn’t want division to come between us. We had already lost so much.

God was so faithful in answering that prayer. I believe He protected us in the early days. Dominic and I were united, there wasn’t blame or anger that divided us. I needed my husband more than ever and he was there for me.

Dominic and I have grieved in very different ways. And even that threatened to cause division in my heart, and when I felt that happening I would ask for prayer about it. Again and again, God was faithful. If we seek Him, He will help us in our times of need.

Today we get to celebrate the miracle of another year of marriage. And yes it is a miracle because there were so many times when our relationship should not have survived. We are two imperfect, selfish, self-centered humans that think differently and want our own way. We both have to make sacrifices for one another over and over again. That is what marriage is all about.

Grace and forgiving, loving and trying, persevering and as my dad said on our wedding day “never giving up.” That has been a picture of our marriage over 24 years. It has been filled with more heartache than I imagined and yet also more laughter too.

At Isaac’s funeral service Dominic said that Isaac brought us together, yes that is true. I am not sure we would have gotten married if it had not been for Isaac….but God has sustained us. God saw our humble offerings of our covenant commitment to one another and to God on June 1, 1996 and He never left us.

God has been faithful to restore and redeem all of our broken places and so today on another anniversary I thank God for Dominic, for our marriage, and I pray that He will continue to lead us in the days and years to come.

I woke up this morning and instantly felt sad. It wasn’t time for me to get up so I tried to just pray for a time to see if I might be able to fall back asleep but sleep eluded me.

It is in moments like these that I will pray the same thing. “Lord please redeem this situation for good…somehow. And {selfishly} give me a small glimpse of that today will you Lord?”

We have been talking about some different “why” questions in the Saturday morning Bible study that I am in, and the reality is that many of my questions regarding suffering and pain just don’t really have an answer. It is the age old question really – why does God allow suffering?

I have read books and books about grief and suffering the past 5 months and no one has a perfect answer to this. And when you are walking through a trial no pat answer is going to change your circumstance….but I said yesterday that even though I don’t (and maybe won’t ever) have my questions answered this side of heaven, I can’t imagine going through this without my faith in God.

He has sustained me. He has loved me and cared for me and I am so grateful for that.

This morning I came across the song “Reckless Love” by Cory Asbury again. It was a popular song in 2018 and when I first heard it, it felt like a prayer for Isaac at the time.

On April 28, 2018 I wrote these lyrics in my Bible in the margin near Luke 15 {The Parable of the Lost Sheep}

There’s no shadow You won’t light up
Mountain You won’t climb up
Coming after me
There’s no wall You won’t kick down
Lie You won’t tear down
Coming after me

The overwhelming, never-ending, reckless love of God
Oh, it chases me down, fights ’til I’m found, leaves the ninety-nine
And I couldn’t earn it, I don’t deserve it, still, You give Yourself away
Oh, the overwhelming, never-ending, reckless love of God.

And then this prayer – “Praying this truth over Isaac today. Believing that God is calling him, and chasing him down. Trusting that God’s light will break through the darkness and the enemy will be defeated.”

This morning I went and looked at my journal entry for the same day, April 28, 2018 and found this part of my prayer…

“Lord I know that at some point you can restore our relationship with him but at this point that is secondary to the relationship he needs with you.”

I know that I have said it before, but God answered those prayers. Prayers I had for a mentor for Isaac, someone that would encourage his faith where he worked. Prayers for a restored relationship with our family, and over the course of the next year we would see that prayer answered.

At some point in our lives we are all the lost sheep aren’t we? Jesus used the parable in Luke 15 to show how very much God loved us in that he would leave the 99 to rescue the one that was lost.

Luke 15:4-7 (ESV)

⁴ “What man of you, having a hundred sheep, if he has lost one of them, does not leave the ninety-nine in the open country, and go after the one that is lost, until he finds it? ⁵ And when he has found it, he lays it on his shoulders, rejoicing. ⁶ And when he comes home, he calls together his friends and his neighbors, saying to them, ‘Rejoice with me, for I have found my sheep that was lost.’ ⁷ Just so, I tell you, there will be more joy in heaven over one sinner who repents than over ninety-nine righteous persons who need no repentance.”

This morning, even though my heart is heavy over the loss of my son, I can also praise God that He loved Isaac so much. I praise Him that He loves me so much. That physical death is not the end of the story for those who know Christ. And that there remains hope we will see our son again.