18 months

Posted on June 21, 2021 by Kristin

Isaac would have hated that I shared this picture, but I came across it when I was search for photos of Gabe to print. This was a postcard that Isaac received after he was accepted at NDSU. Ultimately he decided to attend elsewhere after he graduated, but this may have been one of his first acceptance cards. It was a BIG deal to me, but he was always a goof and rarely wanted his picture taken so when I begged him to let me memorialize the moment, he “posed” for me. Somehow my old phone uploaded this to my Amazon account…it is the only reason I have it today.

It made me both smile and cry today. My beautiful, goofy boy. He was all this and more. Silly and funny brought joy to our family. He is just so missed. I shared a few thoughts on Facebook this morning and thought I would save them here too. If nothing for my own memory of how things are now.

18 months and the 21st is still a hard day. Prime Day was something we enjoyed together. We would text about the deals, talk about possible Christmas ideas. Isaac was fun like that. I have wanted to text him a lot recently. So much to tell him.

Gabe’s senior pictures are tonight. It feels like this final year is going to hit us and happen fast. I remember going with Isaac to his senior pictures. He tolerated them just like Gabe will…for their mom. But it is another reminder of how much is changing and also how much we have lost.

There are some heavy, hard things happening in our family (close and extended) that I am not going to get into right now but I would so appreciate prayers. God knows all the details. All the things that seem like too much.

I was reminded again this week that we don’t grieve without hope. And while we walk through trials in this life we don’t have to like them but we can (and should) trust God with them.

So that is what we do. We celebrate the things we can, we grieve in places we need and we trust God with both and everything in between.

When the Fog Lifts

Posted on May 11, 2021 by Kristin

I drove by the funeral home today and there is a beautiful, blooming (maybe crabapple) tree in the front yard. The funeral home is at the end of a street that I drive on every day. For months after Isaac died my breath would catch in my throat when I would see that place. One day I saw family members going inside…just like we had and it brought on a fresh wave of grief. I almost hated that I had to drive by there every day.

Today when I saw that tree I realized that I don’t remember seeing the tree in its beauty last spring. Granted we spent a lot of time inside last year (thank you covid lockdown) but if we drove anywhere, we would have driven by the funeral home. I don’t ever remember seeing that tree blooming.

I love nature and spring and new life. I have been taking way too many photos of the bird’s nest in our planter on our porch this week. I realized today that a year ago I was in a deep fog at this time. I really don’t have much memory of my life then except for things I posted here. I was alive but I didn’t feel awake.

I have spent the last 2 days in tears more than I have in weeks. I can’t explain why, maybe it is Mother’s Day having passed but I feel SO sad. So sad. But the fog has lifted and in the middle of the sadness I realize that I can also be blown away by the beauty of God’s creation. I am grateful that I can see it again, even though my heart still hurts so much.

If you are walking through grief, or walking with someone in the early days…the disbelief and fog, the memory loss it is all a real thing. These friends may be with you, but they are likely not fully present. But it gets better. In some ways the fog is a shelter from the enormity of the pain early on. But beauty comes back and when it does it will take your breath away in a good way. For those walking that path…waiting for the beauty, I am covering you in prayer. It is a hard, hard road. I know, but God is there in all of it.

Honoring God

Posted on April 16, 2021 by Kristin

This verse got me thinking this morning. What does it really mean for me to honor God, especially in suffering, in grief?

In 16 months I have had a lot of questions, a lot of moments where I cried out to God asking Him “why”. But I have done so with the understanding that ultimately my hope is not found in this world, and some things may not be answered this side of heaven.

Do I like that? No! I am the type of person that wants a tidy answer and I don’t always get it. That is hard. But, in spite of how I feel…in spite of what I wish were different, God has been faithful to me.

I think when we just give God our everything, our humble offerings and say “I am going to trust you with this Lord”… He is honored in that.

Take my broken heart, my lost dreams, my what-ifs Lord. Take my questions and my anger and know Lord I bring it to You because I trust You can handle it all. I don’t expect answers (although my heart longs for them). But I will trust You Lord to bring joy and peace and comfort, because that is who You are.

As I bring God my everything, my heart can’t help but praise, Him because He IS my everything.

Close to the Brokenhearted

Posted on April 13, 2021 by Kristin

In the early days after Isaac died I didn’t know what to pray. A friend gave me a small book filled with short devotions and a passage from Psalms. Each morning as my prayer I would write out the verses for the day. It was all I could do.

If you don’t know how to pray, if you don’t know what to pray, write out the Psalms. David understood pain, sorrow, and questioning God and he also understood that God would meet him in those places and he worshipped Him for it.

God was so near to us when our hearts were crushed. I asked Him why, I begged Him to change our circumstance, and I cried for comfort. He met me in all of it. I didn’t always get the answer I wanted, but I knew I wasn’t alone.

Consider it Joy

Posted on April 12, 2021 by Kristin

It is a tough pill to swallow, the idea that we should count our trials as joy. Is that my first response? I remember studying that scripture along with the book of Job before Isaac died and asking IF I were faced with a trial like Job would I seriously have a response like his? One of worship? I didn’t think it was possible.

4 months later, Isaac died. And our response was one of sorrow and grief certainly, but also one of worship because God was so present. The memories of those first days have come flooding back as we now see another family in our local church community having to walk this path no parent should have to walk.

Losing a child, especially suddenly (whatever the reason) is traumatic. Nothing prepares you for that. But God cared for our hearts. He surrounded us with faithful people of prayer who prayed non stop on our behalf. In moments of doubt, their faith in God’s goodness helped us believe that some good could come from Isaac’s death.

All my life I had been step by step establishing my faith, learning who God was. So in that time of trial, I had the perseverance needed to keep trusting even when I was completely shattered and broken.

So today I am praying for this family in our community. I am trusting in the goodness of God for them even if they can’t see it. I am praying God surrounds them in such a way that they can only praise His goodness in spite of their brokenness. And I am asking that you join me in praying for healing for their hearts. The road they now walk is a lonely, painful one. But prayer works and God hears and is faithful to respond. I have lived it.