“Fervent prayer keeps your true identity in focus.” p57

About a year ago I had the opportunity to speak to a local MOPS group. I shared about some of the significant events in my life had shaped who I saw myself as. Embarrassed when I was hurt in an accident before 1st grade one morning and the entire class saw me cry. Shunned and alone as I spent a Friday night by myself at home in 6th grade while all of my friends attended the biggest boy/girl party ever.

Rejected when I didn’t make the cheerleading squad, ashamed when I got pregnant before marriage. Resentful and angry when life didn’t come easily or go as planned…

I shared that those defining moments had shaped me and although there were also good moments in there, I had spent way more time focusing on the hurt…believing that those specific events made me who I was.

And then one day I was reading Mark 5:21-43. It is one of my favorite stories in the Bible. Here is a women who had been labeled unclean, plagued with a blood disorder for 12 years. Kept separate from others, some people even speculate that because of the culture at the time she wasn’t allowed to be spoken to. Imagine that loneliness. And then she hears about this Jesus, a healer and she wonders if He might heal her too. So she pushes her way through a crowd so that she can touch the hem of his garment.

And immediately she is healed. Jesus knows that power has left Him and asks who touched Him. She comes forward and admits it was her and the first thing that Jesus does is call her Daughter.

Jesus looked at this woman, a woman that had been shunned and left alone, and he saw His daughter.

I like to believe that when He looks at me He sees the same…..

The enemy would like me to believe that what God sees are all my failures. And for a long time I believed the lies. I was only as good as my worst mistake. I wasn’t worth saving. Priscilla says this “He’s (the enemy) working overtime to keep your identity masked, to keep the truth from coming out – that you are indeed alive and free and empowered by God’s own Spirit to fight victoriously against him. He’d rather conspire to keep you in a constant state of mourning, grieving over who you wish you were, instead of relishing who you really are, exacerbated by insecurity and crippled by self-doubt.” p57 

So how do we counteract the lies? Because if you are anything like me, they will come and they will threaten to bring you down into the pit. There are many things we can do, but since this is a study on prayer I am going to start there.

We need to be praying that God would pour out His Truth onto us. Open our eyes to who we are because of Him. And when we spend time in God’s Word our eyes will continue to be opened to the character of God and His love for us.

One of the ladies from my Bible study gave me this bookmark that is titled My Identity – Who I am in Christ. It is filled with Bible verses that help point us to those specific places in the Word that speak to the truths that we are accepted, secure and significant.

I keep it in my Bible as a reference for those times that I need to be reminded of who I really am. Yes I mess up and make mistakes. More often than I would like to admit, but those mistakes do not embody who I am. I have to remember that when God looks at me, He sees His daughter. Jesus paid the sacrifice for my sins and because of that amazing gift, my identity will forever remain in who I am because of Him. Praise Jesus for that!

Lord, what a gift You gave us through Your Son. Most days I can’t understand Your love for me, but I am ever grateful. Give us eyes to see and hearts to understand that our identity remains in who You created us to be. Help us to walk in that full potential. Learning from our sins and mistakes but not burdened down in the pit because of them. Thank you for your love Lord. In Jesus Name, Amen.

I can’t even remember what the argument was about.

I am sure I felt justified in my feelings (I always do) and thought that Dominic should just apologize for whatever it was and then things would be ok again. When that didn’t happen the way I thought it should, I got more and more angry.

He, it turns out, was hurt by what I had said or done and was waiting for me to come and apologize. There we sat on opposite sides of the home, angry and justified and waiting.

This is how the Saturday morning began that was supposed to be our special 20 year anniversary weekend away. We had arranged for Isaac to come and be with the kids, had reserved a cottage at a lake a few hours away and bought tickets to a murder mystery dinner for that evening.

20 years and you would think I would know better!

As a part of this murder mystery dinner we had been given specific parts to play. We had a suggested costume list and had spent some time gathering up everything for this night. We were excited about it, really excited.

So how did we end up almost missing it?!

Besides my stubborn pride and self-righteousness, I believe that the enemy was working hard to stir up discord in our home. It is a pretty big deal that we were celebrating 20 years of marriage. It was a big deal that we had planned this fun weekend away. Things in our relationship were good and as we know the enemy will stop at nothing to hurt and destroy us.

Especially marriages!

So that afternoon as I sat in our living room, angry, I KNEW it was an enemy attack. I knew it. But for several hours I was too stubborn to address it. I didn’t pray. I didn’t apologize. I stewed.

And then it was getting to be about the time that if we didn’t leave soon, there was no way that we would make it at all. So I went to talk to Dominic. Still prideful that I was the “right” one. Turns out as we talked that we both perceived the situation differently. We agreed that we still really wanted to go to the dinner and rushed around like crazy people to get out the door.

We made it there with minutes to spare.

Our special weekend almost didn’t happen. I almost let the enemy win that one and I couldn’t help but feel like it was a victory when we got their on time, changed into our costumes and completely enjoyed our evening. He almost won…but in the end he didn’t!

How many times have you found yourself in a situation where there is discord? Hurt has been exchanged, pride has bubbled to the surface and both parties are feeling justified?

Have you ever stopped to consider who or what is behind it?

Priscilla says this, “Even in knowing the truth, we can lose sight of where these attacks are originating from…from back there, behind the curtain. And by failing to take notice and remember, it’s not hard to lose our cool, our temper, and most of all our self-control before we ever find our way back to ultimate reality.”p 42

It is as though she was writing those words to describe me. Can you relate?!

The enemy is a master of discontentment. He wants us angry and bitter and full of justified pride. And when we are, well no one wins. It would have been a real shame if we had missed our entire weekend away. We needed that time, we deserved it!

I am grateful for forgiveness and that the God’s spirit prevailed in that situation. I think that the more we are going to God in prayer and the more we pray that we would be aware of the enemy’s schemes, the more that we will recognize when he is at work and start call it out.

Discord will happen, but when it does I challenge you to step back and ask who is stirring up the problem…maybe it isn’t your spouse or your child or your co-worker. Maybe the enemy is behind it all. Let’s call it out for what it is. Pray for protection and walk in God’s will for our lives!

Lord, we know the enemy will stop at nothing to hurt us derail us and keep us from you. Open our eyes to the truth. In those moments where pride or selfishness has entered in, convict us Lord and set us back on the right path. Help us develop a spirit of pausing to bring every thought to You so that we can see our situations clearly for what they are. In Jesus Name, Amen

Ephesians 6:12  ^“For we do not wrestle against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the cosmic powers over this present darkness, against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly places.”

How many times have I fought the battle against the wrong enemy?

Unfortunately, too many times to count.

Priscilla says this about the enemy and his affect in our lives. “Success, to him, means stirring up discord in your home, your church, your workplace, your neighborhood, and doing it in such a  way that no one’s even aware he’s been in the building. He knows our natural, physical response is to start coming after each other instead of him – attacking, counterattacking, pointing fingers, assigning blame – while he sits out in the driveway monitoring the clamor inside, fiendishly rubbing his hands together, admiring just how adept he is…and what easy targets we are.” p 45

Oh how this truth makes my blood boil! Really it makes me angry!

I can know something but in the moment I don’t recognize it for what it is. I have long had the knowledge that the enemy seeks to hurt and destroy us…but I didn’t see how it was relevant in my life “moments.”

Reading Fervent has opened my eyes. Now I’m not saying that everything little thing is “the devil’s fault.” I know we live in a fallen world, and we ourselves are born sinners. Crap happens, it just does. But the point she is trying to drive home here in the chapter on Focus is that in those times we are fighting one another…maybe we need to step back and see who might be stirring up the discord in the first place.

So what can we do?!

We have talked about putting on our armor. Daily going to God in prayer and asking that He helps us suit up so that we are ready for battle.

We can’t expect to fight an enemy of a spiritual nature if we aren’t starting first with fervent prayer.

If you haven’t found them already, in the back of the book are blank prayer cards. When we did this book as a bible study at my church I encouraged the ladies to start getting in the habit of writing out their prayers.

Maybe it is a favorite verse or a short note about why you are praying for someone. It doesn’t take much time, but it is a tangible way to get in the habit of spending time in prayer. It is also another way that we can make a record of those prayers we have prayed and when we see the answer.

Priscilla says this “Prayer is a reminder to yourself, as well as a declaration to the enemy, that you know he’s there. That you are on to him. When you bring your concerns and fears and irritations to the Lord in prayer, you’re aligning your weakling spirit with the full force of God’s Holy Spirit. Instead of continuing to fail by taking the battle to the wrong people – you’re joining instead with all the power of heaven to take your fight directly to the source of the problem.” p44 

Truth right?! I love that visual that we are joining our weakling spirit with the full force of God’s Holy Spirit. So powerful.

It doesn’t have to be our battle alone. God can and will fight the battle with us. Go to Him in prayer and ask for His help. Yes there is an enemy that is seeking to cause hurt and discord in our marriages and families, but we don’t have to fight back alone! Praise God!

Lord, we thank you that you allow us the gift of your Holy Spirit. That we can come to you and trust that You will battle with us! That while we are weak, we know the power of Your Holy Spirit will make us strong. In Your Name and because of Your Name we can prevail over the attacks of the enemy. Give us discernment to know what our real fight is against. Give us humble and willing hearts to continue to seek You in all things. We love you Lord. In Jesus Name, Amen!

Yesterday I shared a bit of my undoing. It wasn’t a pretty time. I was hurting. Have you heard the saying that hurt people, hurt people? Yea, that was me. In my hurt I lashed out. In my hurt I blamed and acted in unrighteous anger.

And yet, God was there.

I didn’t really feel it at the time, but I know it to be true. Having walked a path of self-destruction and pain, and now seeing all the ways God has moved in my life…I can’t believe anything else. He was there. He was working.

I have shared here before that about a year ago I started seeing a Christian counselor. The first few sessions I just yelled and blamed and crossed my arms in anger. I wasn’t the problem. But at some point my heart was broken by the truth. And S.L.O.W.L.Y I started to seeing all the ways I had a hand in my current situation.

Apparently I have a chronic problem of being quick to point blame and slow to take responsibility. :/

Pride, as I said, has always been a huge problem for me. I clean up on the outside and start to look like I have it together and then I start taking credit…it is the first step to my falling. When I take back the reins in my life and stop asking God for direction, I go right off His path.

But as I started seeing my failings and started praying that God would work in my heart, things began to change. I began attending a Bible study at my church and shared my reality in that safe place. I found women who loved me for who I was, mistakes and all. They prayed for me and encouraged me. All those things I wanted to bring to a women’s ministry at church. It was already there.

Isn’t God good?!

I didn’t want to attend that study at first, even told my dear friend on a vox on the way to church that I didn’t expect anything good to come of it. (ha!) But I knew I needed something and so right before I went in I prayed a little prayer. Lord, give me just one thing I can hold onto for the next week.

And boy did He deliver.

It was the joy I desperately needed in my week. I left that space each Monday night feeling lighter. My circumstances hadn’t really changed. I was still dealing with the hurt I had caused…it wasn’t going away with one Bible study. But that group of women gave me strength to keep going each week. It was such a gift.

Weeks turned into months. Breakthroughs happened. I worked through some really hard things with my counselor and one week we talked about my passions. I wasn’t ready to get back into them at that point. I was scared and honestly exhausted. But I believed that if they were God’s call for me that one day I would pursue them again.

Then one day in Bible study we started talking about what we wanted to study next. One of the girls mentioned the book Fervent. I had read it 3 times at that point and whole-heartedly agreed. The only downfall was it didn’t have a study guide to go with it. That night something in my heart stirred.

The next morning I woke up early and in the matter of less than an hour I had 5 weeks of studies mapped out. It wasn’t anything spectacular, but it was a guide. I nervously emailed the two women that were leading the group and shared what I had written. I was confident that I could write the rest of the week’s studies. 12 weeks in all.

They were excited and after getting our Pastor’s approval, I agreed to lead a study over the summer on Fervent.

I never felt like I was called to write Bible studies or lead them! But that morning God gave me the outline and the words to start that guide. I hadn’t written much in months and here I was pouring words onto the computer. It was all His and I was honored and excited to just be a part of it.

As we went through the book this summer I was reminded time and time again that this was His. Most weeks I prayed that He would just be present. I felt so ill-equipped to be leading at all. But each week the discussions were honest and heart-felt. There was transparency in that room and it always felt like a safe place to share.

If I had tried to write that study on my own doing, my pride would have gotten in the way. I know it would have because it is MY nature. But when God fueled it, by His nature, it was all grace. To this day I am humbled and honored that I got to be a small part of it.

And in one of those last weeks of the study I once again felt the stirring. To sit down and map out a plan for a 31 Day study on Fervent Prayer. And just as before, the words came quickly. Hundreds of words that were His.

THAT is how we know it is a passion from Him.

This time I have prayed for protection from the enemy. I anticipate his attacks and when there is discontentment in my home or my heart, I quickly call it out for what it is. And often times I will declare out loud that he WILL NOT get my heart, my mind, this time.

I don’t know what passions you are being called to. But I do know this. If it is for God’s glory you can be sure that the enemy is going to work HARD at getting you off track.  As we develop a more fervent prayer life we need to be watching and aware of those times we are under attack. Pray for covering, God’s direction and for a humble heart. So that you can use your passions to bring God glory.

Lord, You are good, yes Lord you are.You walk us through difficult times, and love us even when we are filled with pride. You find us Lord, no matter where we are. Thank you for loving us that much. Fuel our passions Lord that we may spend our days using them for Your glory. In Jesus Name, Amen.

“Passion is the fuel in the engine of your purpose.”  Priscilla starts our look into the ten different strategies that the enemy uses to draw us away from God and stifle our attempts at fervent prayer by talking about our passions.

What are the things that you are passionate about? Those things that stir your heart, the God-inspired activities that you pursue because you can’t imagine not doing them?

For me I am passionate about writing, and I have a heart for missions. I have a passion to unite women and create an environment where all feel welcome and find encouragement.

The enemy is well aware of the way God has equipped me to follow my passions, and he will stop at nothing to make sure I feel discouraged and disheartened if I pursue them.

A little over a year ago I approached a couple of other women in my church and asked if they would be interested in starting a women’s ministry at church. We didn’t have anything official in place and I felt like it was a need that the women of the church could benefit from.

We had a few activities planned and they were so much fun. We hosted a movie night and watched “Mom’s Night Out” and even did a painting class and marveled at the artistic ability of so many women in our church!

I felt inspired and excited at all God was going to do with this group of women. Unity was forming as I began to get to know so many people I hadn’t known well before.

I guess I should have known the attack was coming. I wasn’t praying over it, I was hardly praying at all really. I was in that place where everything on the outside looked good and put together…but my heart told another story.

Much of my undoing was a result of pride, this claiming of my role in the success.

I had stopped praising God for all the ways He was moving, thanking Him for fueling this passion He placed in my heart.

Behind closed doors I was becoming more and more embittered. I held unreasonably high expectations of those closest to me and became discontented with everything in my life. When I was confronted with my behaviors, I pointed fingers and blamed. I was unwilling to see that I was causing hurt and thought that because I was doing something good for the church that I must be “good” as well.

And so one day I walked away from it all.

I didn’t want to deal with the ugly, so I thought quitting everything that I loved was the answer, but what really needed to happen was a heart change.

And so just like that, everything that I was passionate about was gone and I was mad.

Mad at God, mad at my family…but you know, not once did I consider that the enemy might have his hand in all of it!

The enemy whispers lies, he is cunning and manipulative, he fuels pride and discontentment.

If we are not engaging in fervent prayer as we pursue our passions we are setting ourselves up for certain failure.

Yes God calls us, He fills us with His passions for our lives. But as we move forward in those passions we need to be in constant prayer. Prayer to remain humble, prayers giving glory to the One who started it in the first place. Prayers for guidance and prayers for protection.

I will share tomorrow the incredible way that God redeemed this entire situation. He is the reason that I am writing today. A gift He gave me and I always want my words to honor Him.

But for now I encourage you  to examine your passions. Take some time to write them down. Where is God calling you, and are you praying about those passions? Is there any heart work that needs to be done so that you can follow them?

And come back tomorrow as I share a little more of my journey!

Lord, Thank you that You have filled our hearts with different passions. Help us Lord to walk in those giftings in a manner that will bring You honor and glory. In Jesus Name, Amen.