I was speaking with a man this morning whose wife is dying of cancer. Having walked through what we did with Isaac, I can imagine his pain. I know our suffering is different than his…but if I allow myself to consider his situation I can imagine it. And it is awful.

To watch the love of your life deteriorate, unfathomable. To, as the husband, not be able to “fix it”…heartbreaking. It is hard and uncomfortable and unfair. It just is.

And he said to me that he was struggling because “they say God doesn’t give us more than we can handle.” And he said he was having a hard time with God because of that…

Can I be honest – I can’t stand when people say that.

Like any mother can “handle” her son’s suicide. Or any husband can “handle” his wife’s cancer. Or any child can “handle” losing a parent….the list can go on and on.

No, I told him, I don’t like when people say that so I have rephrased it. I believe God doesn’t give us more than HE can handle. And He can handle everything if we are willing to turn to him.

So we go to God with the despair over suicide and we go to God with the fear of cancer and we go to God when the hurt and the pain of life is too much and we ask Him for strength. We ask Him for wisdom, we ask Him for mercy and grace.

I can’t handle this, and I am not strong. But God can and He is. I am holding fast to that today.

Last weekend was incredibly difficult for me. I caused hurt by some of my actions towards Dominic, I isolated and cancelled all the plans I had for the weekend and spent several days in a pretty dark place.

I think it is understandable in some ways, just because of all we have been through, but it wasn’t a healthy place for me and I knew it. I wrote this in my journal on February 1st…

“Lord I am going to need you more than ever today because I can’t seem to pull it together myself. I am writing down scripture just to try and feel close to you, to try and feel something. But all I feel is how unfair all of this is….please make sense of this all, I just feel so lost right now.”

And then on February 4 this prayer… “Lord I pray for a small measure of joy today. Joy and peace. Weeks of sadness and disbelief have filled our home, anger over the unknown and the unanswered questions. I don’t know how it will change or when it will change but if just for today…bring joy Lord. Help us see goodness in the land of sorrow.”

God has been so faithful to us in these last 7 weeks, but I really feel like He answered my specific prayer requests this week.

I messaged some of my friends today and said that this week had been good. Not good in the way I used to classify it, but under the circumstances, it wasn’t a terrible week.

I had conversations with the women of the Never So Broken leadership team that stirred a fire in my spirit. We discussed an idea that I am so excited about and believe with everything in me will bring God glory, that I can’t wait to see what happens. I needed that this week.

I was able to get some work done at the office and stay on task in some small ways. Focus has been difficult for me and I feel like in so many ways my brain isn’t working like it used to…but I felt like I was able to accomplish a few necessary tasks and I needed that this week.

I had a soul-conversation with a good friend who brought us a meal, someone who has walked through their own struggles with a child. There is a bonding that takes place between two people that have walked a similar path and share stories and I needed that this week.

And I got to help decorate at the church tonight with some of my favorite people. Another long-time member of our church passed away and the service is tomorrow. I wasn’t sure emotionally that I could handle a visitation or funeral so soon, but I wanted to help in some way. Being able to serve in this capacity, laughing with women that care so much for our family….I needed that this week.

I felt so raw and vulnerable going into this week. The weight of the weekend remained upon me on Monday, but God was so good to me this week and provided multiple opportunities for grace, forgiveness, anticipation and laughter.

I am learning that each new day, each week reveals new feelings. Some days I find myself in utter despair and then other days I can go almost an entire day without tears. I suppose that is God’s way of sheltering us in a tragedy, we couldn’t bear the weight of the stress all at once. So from time to time we get a reprieve.

I am grateful for the reprieve this week has been. I know more difficult days are ahead but for today I am documenting this….so when the hard tempts to swallow me I can look back and remember that God answered my prayers and gave me a reprieve and He will do it again. Slowly day by day I believe God is mending our broken hearts….

I trust you Lord.

In 2018 we walked this path with Isaac (See link to story below.) It was one of the hardest things we had done up to that point. We believed his safety was at risk and we had to do something. The drive to get him, the drive to the hospital…the questions from the staff and the look in his eyes when we had to say we believed he was a danger to himself….all awful.

It was the most heartbreaking thing to do. Very few people knew what we had walked through, our close family and a few close friends, but to protect his privacy and honestly because of shame, we stayed silent. If you haven’t ever had to make these choices maybe it is difficult to understand that, but shame cut me to the core.

What would people think about us as parents, what would they think about our son? Maybe if we had tried harder, been better, hugged more, done more, maybe we wouldn’t be sitting in a hospital checking in our adult son for mental health issues. These were the lies that I believed.

I didn’t understand it then, not like I do today. I think then even a part of me thought if he would just focus on the positive, be more grateful, give it over to God…that all his struggles would just go away. But even when he did try that the disease of depression hung on. It was relentless and he didn’t tell us how bad it was and we just didn’t know.

My heart is broken even more today for the parents that are having to make these hard choices. That feel stifled by shame and all alone. When we collectively as a whole can begin to drop our need for perfection and “having it all together” (I am speaking to myself first here) and can start being real with those in our communities, our places of influence….I believe we will start seeing a real change in the narrative about mental health issues as a whole.

Our kids need to know that talking about how they really are is encouraged and will be accepted. They need to hear that it is ok to ask for help, there is no shame in that. Parents need to hear that if their child is struggling with mental illness that is isn’t a reflection of their love for their child, or bad parenting…

It is a lonely, isolating road. But one that I think, based on the comments and cards we have received, that more people are on than I even realized. Which just proves my point that there are countless people suffering in silence. It doesn’t have to be that way.

Be that safe space, that encouraging friend, the one that shows up without judgement, help change the narrative, help make a difference….

Maybe it is because it is Saturday or maybe it is because it is 6 weeks…..maybe it is because I had to walk through a milestone and pretend that I didn’t feel absolutely empty inside, or maybe it is the stupid argument I had about a computer monitor, that was probably not about the monitor at all but more about all the things I can’t control…

Maybe it is one of those things or all of those things but it is hard today. And I am angry. Furious might be a better description.

Suicide leaves you with so many unanswered questions. And while we have walked the last 42 days grasping for God’s goodness….the reality of suicide is never far from our minds.

I suppose with any sudden death it is the same but I find myself almost desperate for something, anything that might make sense of all of this.

I had really hoped we might be able to recover his old text messages and photos from his phone, but because of a ridiculous swipe pattern that no one knows, we are at a stand still. We risk any backup being deleted and any chance of recovery wiped away.

While the people at the cell phone store have been more than helpful *and I am so grateful for that….they aren’t able to “break into” a phone without doing a factory reset. They tried everything for us, they really did and in the end, that too seemed a lost cause.

And it isn’t fair. I mean none if this is, we know that. But this is just another kick in the teeth.

And last night another call, another “problem.” A promise made by an insurance company in regards to his apartment and now apparently they are going back on their word. It isn’t fair, and it isn’t right.

6 weeks later the wound, still fresh, ripped wide again.

I am in a couple of online support groups for parent’s after suicide loss. New people are joining every day. So many new parents EVERY DAY. This isn’t a fun FB group that people want to be a part of. These are broken men and women who are trying to figure out what to do now.

Men and women who have unanswered questions, who have phones that can’t be unlocked, and some of these men and women don’t have any hope in God.

I was reading a book this morning about lament and the author was talking about the reality that all of the brokenness we experience, ultimately is a result of sin. We live in a fallen world.

This world and all of its hurts is not our home. These continued blows, these realities that are always present with us now make me long even more for the promises of heaven. But until that day comes, I place my fragile, angry, broken self at the feet of his altar. God be near. Make your presence known. For every parent that is sitting with unanswered questions, or anger and hurt today, please provide them some measure of comfort….even if only for a moment. We need you Lord more than ever today. We need you.